The first image that came to mind to describe my experience of the urgency for change around me in tension with the pace of transformation within me is that of a game of leapfrog. Right now, it feels like the urgency for change around me is one big leap ahead with a world that feels like it’s on fire just yearning for change, while my interior life lags behind as I recognize my impatience and frustration with how frequently I get impatient and frustrated with others who are either disengaged or operating with an approach that I believe is harmful. This is place in need of transformation within me now, and it seems to be taking its sweet time (enter: more frustration, repeating that whole cycle). In contrast, there have been seasons where external urgency for change seems to slow at least within my sphere and my own internal transformation continues full speed ahead.
At this point, this rhythm feels familiar. It also feels like a rhythm that works for me – I think the moments of deep and sustained interior transformation with less external urgency help me sustain focus and desire to keep going when the external urgency becomes overwhelming and my internal transformation slows so much that it feels like it has stalled out.
When the tension becomes overwhelming, I tend to find myself overtaken by the chaos. The disciplines, routines, and practices that I know are good for me are the first thing to fly out the window – I often tell my friends it’s easy to know that I’m not thriving if they come into my house and I have piles of unfinished laundry or dishes in my sink. I have found it a gift to learn that I have such clear external ways to notice my interior experience. I may not ever be a person who succeeds at noticing and preventing before these external markers show up, but I am grateful that the more I work on it, the easier it becomes for me to notice these signals early and work to re-center myself.
Many of the things that keep me centered and sustained are decidedly unglamorous. Committing to the discipline of housework and getting enough sleep generally requires me to say no to something else but serve as the pre-requisite to anything else that would keep me centered and sustained. Sleep is the easiest of these – the consequences of me not getting enough sleep are immediate, so it’s easy to make the choice. Exercise and prayer fall into the category of “I know I need it but…” – they are the first things I tend to drop when I feel too busy, and yet every time I drop them, I notice a shift in myself. I have gotten better this year at making time for prayer – I would like to get better at making time for exercise. I have had to work at shifting my mindset on both of these – my temptation has historically been to think if it wasn’t awesome, it wasn’t worth it. Now I’m practicing the approach of “something is better than nothing.” It is helping.
Finally, I’m an extrovert and an external processor and I have worked hard to cultivate good community. I need therapy and spiritual direction, and I also need mentors and friends and chosen family. Maintaining a good balance of time by myself for prayer and reflection while also seeking out time to be with people is absolutely crucial to sustain myself. It is in community that I find myself able to process hard and heavy things without spinning myself out, and in community that I have the chance to love and be loved. It is also in these spaces that I find joy and humor and can come up for air when things get hard.
2 comments
Jaci encouraged me to take vitamins years ago. I resisted. I thought it silly to daily submit to a routine that didn’t make any marked difference in my life. I didn’t like opening the packet. I didn’t like the taste. I didn’t like the experience of a handful of vitamins making their way down my throat. I didn’t feel better after I took them. Frustrated actually. I didn’t sleep better. I didn’t appear stronger. Then, after my pops started his cancer journey, I figured it’d be a good practice to start. Not that it would save me from a cancer battle of my own one day. It just seemed like a good idea to take this extra proactive step toward health. So I began. I did it every day…and still didn’t feel anything but annoyance. And then, after a year of microdosing health, I had my annual physical. And all of my numbers were better than they had ever been. I couldn’t observe the benefit of this particular healthy habit, but my body did. Micro-dosing health, even when it seems stupid. Maybe there’s something to this. 😉
I am really glad you have these exterior tells that can signal to others that you might need some support. I think it’s even better that you have the ability to actually share that with your community. That’s what it’s all about right? It sounds like you have cultivated something special around you which is so essential to personal growth. We just don’t grow in a vacuum. I’ve been learning that lesson a little later in life that I wish I had.
I look forward to hearing and learning more about how that community has been constructed and cultivated by you.