Three and a half years ago, in the early days of the pandemic and very much by surprise, I found myself saying yes to a role on the President’s cabinet at the university I was contemplating leaving. It was a change that made no sense logistically as my husband had just taken on a big new role, and our two and four year old daughters didn’t yet have reliable daycare because of the pandemic. Even before COVID-19 changed everything I had been feeling disenfranchised, frustrated, and restless. I was thinking about just stepping away even without something else to go to. But then there I was with a job offer in hand, and all of a sudden I felt this deep sense that I was supposed to say yes to this crazy thing that quadrupled my responsibility and felt so far above my head. I felt energized that I would have a voice and role in changing the things that brought me frustration. I felt urgency to dive into my new role with everything I had and to both achieve and make change.
Six months later I was so stressed and riddled with anxiety that for the first time in my life I experienced insomnia, developed a facial tick, and was having trouble digesting food. The pressure of delivering from the people around me combined with the internal pressure I had put on myself to change the culture of the team I had joined had made almost everyday and every meeting painful. I gave myself no time to listen, discern, or rest. I worked most evenings and many weekends. When I wasn’t working I was thinking about work about how I wasn’t making enough of a difference and falling short of what I wanted to see accomplished. In meetings I felt annoyed with my colleagues and my perception of their apathy, and I felt lonely all of the time.
Even with all of that, it took another year before I started seeing a counselor. There is much I could say about my time in counseling, but one of the major things I am learning is the power of self compassion. I have never been good at this. I am a doer by nature and I feel constantly behind on a list of things I know I could be doing. I am learning to recognize the signs of tightening in my body and breath. This tightening often comes when I am overwhelmed and isolated. I’ve been learning several practices that have been helping a lot like centered breathing and EFT tapping when things feel particularly bad. Honestly though, the thing that has been helping the most has been talking and listening to the people around me. It started with just letting my husband and closest friends into my thoughts and inviting their reflections. Lately though, it’s been pressing into relationships with the other leaders around me. Sharing my story of the past 3.5 years and hearing about theirs. Naming what I am going through and hearing their shared experiences has been humanizing and relationship building. The last year hasn’t been perfect and I still want to see a lot of things change around me, but I find myself wound far less tightly. This allows me to listen, rest, and see others and myself much more clearly.
6 comments
8 to 8, this one was deep, my friend. Especially the whole bit about opening up to others…inviting them into the reality that you were not okay. Say a little more on what this feels like for you? Does this practice occur only with those whom you trust, or is vulnerable self-disclosure becoming a part of your leadership journey as well? With your colleagues, your superiors, your team? I’m becoming captivated by the power of vulnerability, especially when leaders like you embody it…not performatively (because we’re good at that) but authentically. Would love to learn what you’re learning.
Good questions friend. Thanks. I have seen performative vulnerability deployed to manipulate so many times, that I often feel scared to even broach that with my team and colleagues. “I’m fine. It’s fine.” I hear myself saying this and I’m not sure if I am trying to convince them or myself! However, there have have been a few times when in a totally spontaneous moment I have let my guard down and my weakness shows through. It’s never planned. I don’t come into the conversation thinking that this is the moment I tell people where I am at, but it’s like all of a sudden it is coming out of my mouth before I can really think about it. It’s not pretty or eloquent, but I am sure it reads as authentic, because it is. I think my work is in getting to this place more quickly and often with the people in my life, especially at work, but in the personal realm too. When we see leaders speak with honesty, we have the permission to bring our authenticity into the room.
Phew! First and foremost, I found so much resonance with your words. Thank you for taking us along/into your emotional landscape in surprising and difficult discernment. I am curious about your pressing in with other leaders. What has that looked like for you? I wonder about the particular ways those relationships have been centering and sustaining, and how you sense and lean in further when a particular relationship can be sustaining for you. Mostly, I find myself wanting to hear more about your journey!
I found my chest getting tighter and tighter as I read! Thank you for investing in your team AND yourself. What a challenging responsibility.
Wow, thank you for being open and sharing these deep struggles. I can so relate, especially with the part about throwing your whole energy into a project, and just finding it more difficult for you personally. I am so glad that you are in the ongoing work with a counselor and finding deep compassion for yourself. This is so incredibly important. Peace through the journey. I look forward to learning more from you. 🙏
Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. I appreciate the honesty about your journey and the wrestling you have experienced. I found myself drawn to the reminder to practice “self compassion” and the value of this practice. To not allow the press and expectations of others to cloud or overwhelm our image of self.
Thank you also for the call to be honest and real with those we can trust who can journey with us in the midst of the challenges we face.
I am so grateful to be able to be part of this experience with you and continue to learn from you as you offer your perspective. Thank you!