This was a mess that many have moved on from, and I don’t know if that is the healthy thing to do. We have had two different pastors at two different times cause havoc and each time the congregation and leaders just wanted to move on without spending any time reflecting on the conflict.  Sarah Bessey, in her book “Field Notes for the Wilderness: Practices for an Evolving Faith” says, ”The only way to begin healing is to acknowledge the wound. Stop pretending that your church didn’t break your heart. Stop saying it’s fine that you were betrayed. Stop excusing bad behavior and cruelty and carelessness. Until you learn to stop spiritually bypassing your actual life with your good humanness, you won’t find meaning, let alone healing.”

I have done a lot of healing in the past 3 years however I have come to realize that I always have my guard up when it comes to church.  And having that barricade has caused me to miss the deep spiritual connection that I crave from church.  The conflict mapping helped me to acknowledge the pain that came from that conflict three years ago which has nudged me into a deeper prayer life. Praying for my own heart, but also praying for the church in general, the specific church, and the pastor and his wife who caused and experienced so much pain (thanks Osheta for being the first to nudge me to do this!)

The conflict mapping also helped me to see how isolated the pastor and his wife (also a pastor) became in the process of the church trying to move forward once they left.  As the church tried to move ahead (because Sunday comes quickly and there needs to be a pastor) there was a lack of healthy conversation and a lot of spiritual bypassing.  The church leaders were ready to sweep it under the carpet and move ahead.  The church staff, members and the pastor (who had been beloved there for five years) deserved honest, healthy conversations.

I appreciate the tools that Michael Gibbs shared with us and I hope to utilize the Conflict Mapping and Pillars Analysis more so that I can become more proficient in seeing the conflict and having those dialogues for peaceful change.

Driving to Portland to see her I found Spirit inviting me into a prayer that continues to be life-giving to this day. I would visualize my friend and offer her into the deep love of God. Praying, “God, I offer Robin to you, from her toes to her head, from her left to her right, from her back to her front, from inside out…” This became a centered place for me on those drives as well as being verbalized many times in various rooms holding a hand, listening, sitting in silence, or speaking with boldness in hope.

This offering prayer was a gift spoken on the day I was with Robin’s family as the heart machine slowed, stopped, and stillness mixed with sobbing filled her room. She did not walk out of that hospital on the hill, but left us in that space doing our best to express, to one another, the same compassion and love she modeled. The gift of her life continues to this day as I have prayed this simple prayer not only for Robin and her family, but for my children, Diane my beautiful wife, the Wayside community, countless others, and often my very self. To offer both the good and challenging places to the compassionate Spirit settles me in a moment of slowing down to remember that God is present and active at all times.

When I am tempted to give into anxiety, grasping for control, hopelessness, or frantic effort to fix or to solve, I allow Spirit to call me into the flow of this prayer. I am reminded that I was not in control of Robin, I am not in control of my family, and I am not in control of my very self. Spirit flows deep within and reassures me of love and goodness no matter what. Thank you Robin, for the gift of your life of kindness that continues to ripple out and flow through me and so many others.

Spirit, may we continue to offer ourselves and one another into your love…

            From our toes to our head…

            From our left to our right…

            From our back to our front…

            From inside out…