When this Journey of Hope pilgrimage first began, I felt an urgency to help move my church from here to there. I had anticipated this journey serving as a sort of guide to follow in order to accomplish something. If I do this, then my church will be this. I was nervous but hopeful. It wasn’t long before Jer helped me realize that this journey would be less about what I was to do and more about who I was to become. And still, I wasn’t quite sure what that would mean.

Here I am, months later. Our monthly Journey of Hope gatherings have ended. So many of my hopes from the beginning of this journey have been released. I now let go and surrender that which I had hoped to do, to mend, to achieve, to accomplish. As I let go, I sense something new, something unexpected.

My church is still hurting, and as difficult as it is to acknowledge, power and control are forces that are very much present there. We are still divided; perhaps even more than we were as I began the Journey of Hope, which is quite humbling because I now see that this journey is not about me. In fact, it’s not even about my church. This journey is about embracing the process of peacemaking and allowing the Spirit to bring life to the brokenness. It is about caring for myself and also helping others to care for themselves. It is about binding the wounds of others and also allowing them to bind my own wounds. It is about listening to the stories of others and also telling my own story. It is about allowing myself to have doubts and also to welcome the doubts of others. This journey is not just about who I must become as a leader, but it is about who we all must become in our pilgrimage together. And it is about finding peace in the mystery of it all.

I previously thought that at this point I would be setting down my pack, unlacing my boots, and resting after the completion of my journey. But here I am with boots still on and my pack still loaded. I’m tired, so I take a moment to care for myself. I bandage my blisters, have a bite to eat, and take a sip of water. And then, I keep going. I take my next step, and then my next. And I smile knowing that I am not alone on this journey. I never was alone.

Image Source: https://www.realsimple.com/health/fitness-exercise/hiking-benefits

On this first day of the Journey of Hope, Bart Tarman shared a bit of his sacred experience walking El Camino de Santiago de Compostela in Spain. Bart explained that this journey was both physically and mentally challenging, for he had chosen to put himself in an uncomfortable experience of dislocation. Gradually, he found himself leaving the missional mindset of needing to do things, and the slow, steady pace of his walk allowed him to catch up with God and even to catch up with himself. Is this what the Journey of Hope pilgrimage would be for me? For us? How do I reconcile this tension between slowing down to catch up with God and the urgency of the suffering that is taking place now?

After our initial gathering with the Journey of Hope cohort, I met with Jer Swigart for a time of reflection and processing. I shared with Jer my struggle with how to help my church that is very comfortable in its whiteness become a church that sees the suffering in our community and works to disrupt systems that cause that suffering. And then, Jer asked me, “Yes, and who must you become as a leader to help navigate this shift?” Who must I become? All this time, my focus has been on trying to get my church to change, but I had failed to recognize the change that needed to take place within myself. 

So, I tie the laces on my hiking boots, lift my heavy pack upon my back, and I begin to walk. I do not know the destination of this Journey of Hope pilgrimage, but I look forward to following Jesus on the way.

Image Source: https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/27/cnn-underscored/best-hiking-boots/index.html