I already am. Always was. And still have time to be.

A few years ago I applied to St Ethelburga’s mentoring programme in Spiritual Ecology to support me to turn a radio show and interviews into an online podcast called Sustenance Radio Show about activist burn-out. I found I was unable to go through fears about putting myself online, permanently and being seen and known in that form forever and by everyone and so I sat in my own way and was unable to make progress with my creative project, beating myself up and berating myself for not being able to complete something I really believed in and wanted to put out into the world in some way.

I asked for help, and at the same time as being accepted onto St Ethelburga’s Spiritual Ecology programme I approached a mentor, Amy Downing, and asked her to be my anchor through the project, to help me keep myself accountable and explore the blocks I was putting in my own way. In sessions she supported me to understand there are different parts of myself that are at war with one another, wanting to go in different directions with our one body, our ‘one precious life’, and unable to find a way forward. With her help I have learnt to have compassion and curiosity about the parts I am sometimes ashamed to show even to myself. There is my inner perfectionist who self-sabotages my dreams before I have even begun. There is the inner critic who berates me for not being pretty enough, radical enough, productive enough, peaceful enough. There is the one who wants to be wild and free – a selkie swimming in the deep blue sea – who is sometimes in conflict with the part of me who wants to put down roots, pick up responsibilities, be entangled and seen and known in community.

And so, slowly and painfully at first, I started writing letters to myself, explored what parts had to say in free-writing. I adopted the 12 step programme practice of making amends and found that the majority of amends I needed to make were to myself. Forgiving myself helps me see where I am afraid, helps me be accountable to my dreams and not get in my own way.

At times this process of self-reflection and compassion can be seen as naval-gazing, but for me it helps me get over myself, laugh at myself, see myself as a messy human among many others finding their way in our complex world.

Mostly these practices give me a sense of spiraling towards peace and a sort of inner reconciliation. Perhaps peace is a way of being, a pilgrimage or a point on the compass, rather than a permanent destination.

God is Change – Octavia E. Butler

Finally, I want to thank my teachers and name the inspiration I find in the work of Black Sci-Fi author Octavia E. Butler and her legacy in the writings of facilitator and orgainisor adrienne marie brown. Similarly, the work of Meg-John Barker on relationships has helped me to understand all people as plural and changing enables me to have patience, empathy as I come to believe that people can change and make mistakes.