But this phrase; “we lament and resist”, offered by Dr. Padilla DeBorst, served to heighten my hope.  These words in tandem, working together, seem to me, an actionable plan for my participation in those spaces and conversations.  I can come to these conversations lamenting that often there is no awareness by others that they may be holding onto a misinterpretation of Jesus.  I can come to these conversations with the hope that humbly resisting the misinterpretation can be useful for God’s ongoing work in their hearts and minds.  I can be hopeful that this journey of learning, insight and understanding that I am on, is also meant to be shared with those God brings across my path!

Prior to adopting a lens of peacemaking: the primary way to remain sustained or centered was through careful dosing of work environment and then escape: i.e. Work as little as possible. Spend time with people who are supportive and understanding, trying not to talk ‘shop’.  For me: exercising outdoors as much as possible with hikes and bike rides. Compress and then decompress in seemingly endless cycles.

“Burnout” avoidance emerges as a primary goal. Waves of frustration bury the urgency for change.

The longer you spend with a monster, the higher the likelihood of getting eaten alive.

No one is looking for a peacemaking voice in healthcare.

As I embark on a reconciling leader journey, the application of this work to a secular healthcare landscape is largely unknown and uncharted as far as I have experienced.

It is a great gift to have no external expectations. To paraphrase Nina: my desire will fuel my transforming. I have space to allow this.

As I am transforming, I wonder: Can I lean in with curiosity, humility and openness? Can I avoid allowing my frustration and fears drive me to look for escape? Can I see as a peacemaker sees – my patients, colleagues, hospital administrators, insurance companies – in order to grow my desire for transformation inside and out?

My transforming journey is uncharted, and the new centering and sustaining forces are similarly opaque.

Staying centered for me is greatly helped by a trifecta of things that combat the anxiety of caring. The tension that can sometimes creep up on me when I want to see changes sooner than they want to come. When people or situations aren’t changing soon enough I feel the tension. Especially if I believe what needs to change is causing pain, harm or the perpetuation of injustice.

PHYSICAL:SPIRITUAL:SOCIAL

PHYSICAL: I find that putting my body through a morning routine gives me the best chance at sustaining my mental energy, clarity, peace and probably a cocktail of calming hormones to boot. Meditation, exercise, cold plunge, vitamins and coffee. If this drops off during a time of stress, then other things begin to de-optimize as well. The world suddenly becomes a more difficult place to maintain optimism in.

SOCIAL: You know those activist friends who just ‘get’ you? It is indescribably life-giving for me to connect with these precious ones over the issue that is troubling me. They ‘get’ me or at least they hear me out with a deep listen and offer of support. And this makes a noticeable difference to my nervous system right away. We do this for each other and over time it becomes like a safety net of support. We hold each other up.

SPIRITUAL: For me, this intellectual-spiritual part is huge. It begins more heady than feely. But it deeply effects the feely parts. Thinking on these larger issues like “Who am I? Why am I here? And why now? What is the world for? Who, what and where is God/Source/Spirit in all this?” matters. Really contemplating these and allowing myself to come to new conclusions over time helps me reconnect with myself and feel connected to the Divine as well. 

When I remember what I believe about who I am and why I came here this helps me stay centered. When I think of how much I’ve changed, this gives me hope that we live in an ever-changing and ever-evolving world where others can change too. In fact, we can’t not change, eventually. 

I’ll briefly summarize what has been calming to me recently. It begins with considering that perhaps before I was born here in this lifetime I was some form of soul-energy with God in God’s place or dimension of heavenly life forces. And at some point we decided that I would come to this place at this time for a purpose that would unfold as my life. The key is that I came not only for the easy parts, but for the whole range of feelings within this experience. 

In short, I have felt both better within the tension and more confidently propelled to act as I have accepted that in this world I will have, see and experience troubles. That trouble and tension are inevitably part of it. And it doesn’t even need to mean I have done something wrong. It just is. Yet I live here in physical form as a learner knowing that I came to experience both joy and pain, both flow and tension. So also, I bear witness to both justice and injustice. It is all here and I came to interact with all of it. Where I choose to focus my energy this time around is my choice. And I will feel better if I focus it on my Main Purpose. Recalibrating to this makes me feel calmed almost immediately. Then I trust that opportunities will come for me to do the next right inspired action toward positive change. 

I also come humbly acknowledging that it is possible that there may have been another time here where I was the oppressor, not yet ready to work on behalf of the oppressed. Considering this likelihood shakes me out of my smug slumber like a cold plunge and helps me seek to understand those around me with both humility and empathy. It does not mean that I excuse injustice. No, it gives me pause enough to be curious about what is going on in ‘the other’ to try and understand it. In understanding, I feel more empowered to help promote shalom more effectively in the situation.  

In my considering my choicefulness in coming here at this time, I have hope. I hope because I have a sense of power over who I become and the spirit in which I choose to live here. I believe that the world does not have to be perfect for me to be able to achieve peace within it. And I try to remember that I am a more effective leader as one centered and in peace. Though I cannot always maintain a peaceful escape from the tensions, I can lean on my practices and trust that rebalance will happen. So I hope as I move forward and rediscover my purpose and my place at this time. It helps me to feel both small in light of time and big in this place at this time. Both ok with being insignificant and yet significantly empowered within to do what is right now.   

My hope returns when I get enough energy going to determine not to give my power away to overwhelm or any condition. I get centered again and feel hope in the knowing of peace unconditionally now. In imagining what I can do about it all now, beginning in me. Of knowing that I can effect changes both within and around me now that will continue to unfold in good ways, laying tracks of positivity into my future.

2.) My primary sphere of influence is Clinton County, Ohio. As a Quaker pastor, most of my influence is concentrated in the Quaker world, but it reaches out into the community in general as well.

3.) People—specifically the people who are a part of my meeting and the surrounding neighborhood. I don’t like leadership itself as much as I enjoy the people.

4.) How do we flip the script on fear and choose peace over violence?

5.) I was interested in Journey of Hope because I like the everyday peacemaking approach that Global Immersion takes. A lot of Quaker peacemaking efforts/programs are focused on crisis management or on lobbying, which are fine and good, but my soul was craving a program that is more day-to-day focused. Now seemed to be a good time because of an experience that I had recently with gun violence. I walked away from that experience feeling a deep knowing that the world needs more peacemakers.

I already am. Always was. And still have time to be.

A few years ago I applied to St Ethelburga’s mentoring programme in Spiritual Ecology to support me to turn a radio show and interviews into an online podcast called Sustenance Radio Show about activist burn-out. I found I was unable to go through fears about putting myself online, permanently and being seen and known in that form forever and by everyone and so I sat in my own way and was unable to make progress with my creative project, beating myself up and berating myself for not being able to complete something I really believed in and wanted to put out into the world in some way.

I asked for help, and at the same time as being accepted onto St Ethelburga’s Spiritual Ecology programme I approached a mentor, Amy Downing, and asked her to be my anchor through the project, to help me keep myself accountable and explore the blocks I was putting in my own way. In sessions she supported me to understand there are different parts of myself that are at war with one another, wanting to go in different directions with our one body, our ‘one precious life’, and unable to find a way forward. With her help I have learnt to have compassion and curiosity about the parts I am sometimes ashamed to show even to myself. There is my inner perfectionist who self-sabotages my dreams before I have even begun. There is the inner critic who berates me for not being pretty enough, radical enough, productive enough, peaceful enough. There is the one who wants to be wild and free – a selkie swimming in the deep blue sea – who is sometimes in conflict with the part of me who wants to put down roots, pick up responsibilities, be entangled and seen and known in community.

And so, slowly and painfully at first, I started writing letters to myself, explored what parts had to say in free-writing. I adopted the 12 step programme practice of making amends and found that the majority of amends I needed to make were to myself. Forgiving myself helps me see where I am afraid, helps me be accountable to my dreams and not get in my own way.

At times this process of self-reflection and compassion can be seen as naval-gazing, but for me it helps me get over myself, laugh at myself, see myself as a messy human among many others finding their way in our complex world.

Mostly these practices give me a sense of spiraling towards peace and a sort of inner reconciliation. Perhaps peace is a way of being, a pilgrimage or a point on the compass, rather than a permanent destination.

God is Change – Octavia E. Butler

Finally, I want to thank my teachers and name the inspiration I find in the work of Black Sci-Fi author Octavia E. Butler and her legacy in the writings of facilitator and orgainisor adrienne marie brown. Similarly, the work of Meg-John Barker on relationships has helped me to understand all people as plural and changing enables me to have patience, empathy as I come to believe that people can change and make mistakes.