My initial visceral reaction to reading it was nervousness, not to the point of panic but uncomfortable nonetheless. I usually feel that emotion somewhere in my chest or stomach. As someone prone to anxiety, it is a familiar feeling. 

On one level I’m a little embarrassed to admit that this reaction was out of fear for my own well-being because I work in higher education and my mind started to go to worrying about how these changes would affect my work. But I think that is where the beloved practice started for me because I was able to realize that self-preservation is a natural human response to a frightening experience and then extend myself some grace for my reaction.

As I went back further into the article, it talked more about the history of the Department of Education and also about the various functions it has beyond the ones I’m most familiar with and most affect me like administering federal financial aid. 

The functions that stood out were the ways in which the department helps support some of the most vulnerable students like those with disabilities and I began to be sad for them and how these changes might affect them. I think that is a way of extending belovedness beyond me. 

As I have sat more with this news I feel like Jesus has reminded me that he is in charge and I can trust him with this situation too. To me that doesn’t mean putting my head in the sand and ignoring injustice, but doing what I can, praying and remembering that he is bigger than this too!

When I stepped back into church life at the age of 30, my husband and I were swept up in the life of a church that was very loving and supportive.  I have always been proud to be part of the Presbyterian Church USA denomination, a denomination that took great risks to make sure that women, people of color, and people in the LBGTQ community were not only welcome to join the church, but were welcome in leadership, ministry, and marriage.  I have always loved that the main message that PCUSA churches teach is based around the grace of Jesus.

EYES WIDE OPEN: What we didn’t notice in our beloved church for quite a while was that the love and support poured out was for those who fit in a certain mold.  Once we stepped in leadership roles, we began to see the roadblocks to inclusivity deep within the church.  Once I entered into ministry (second career) I discovered that many members in the PCUSA churches and many leading our churches did not believe in belovedness and grace for all.  And that is when I began pushing back and searching for understanding and ways to help others see what Jesus taught us.

And so, as I work to gain a more robust analysis of how ARC has impacted my faith, leadership, and institution I give thanks for my foundation.  But I am no longer naïve about what lies deep in the hearts of many of the church members and Christian friends whom I assumed embraced the teachings of Jesus.  And as I look out into our country and ask over and over again how can Christians act this way, I now have a better understanding of the fears and values that lie deep below their actions.

MOVING FORWARD: I am now in a stage of evaluating and analyzing every Christian book on my shelf, Christian movies and songs, sermons, mission opportunities, etc. I am asking church leadership more questions instead of retreating quietly. I am preaching and teaching more boldly and entering more conversations about people’s Christian scars, fears, and values. I  am searching for answers and truth as I am listening to podcasts, reading everything I can get my hands on and searching for opportunities to see the world with clearer lenses. I am currently reading Jesus and the Disinherited, The Kingdom, the Power, and the Glory: American Evangelicals in an Age of Extremism, Field Notes for the Wilderness: Practices for an Evolving Faith – all which are opening my eyes to the practices of American churches which have nurtured ARC. I hope to try out the ARC Self Assessment and Common Table Method with a group I meet with weekly – friends who are in the process of deconstructing their faith.

My plan is to keep learning, digging deeper, eyes more open – but always remembering my belovedness and the belovedness of others.

What happens when you lose sight?

It gets dark real quick! 

Yesterday evening I was sitting outside in my backyard. My husband and I were in different places but on a conference call with our business manager. He was delivering bad financial news. My mind started racing. The tug of war began. The war between worry and centeredness, between resting in easeful, trusting belovedness and walking with anxiety over to shame. Shame was calling.

I noticed what was happening in my body. I noticed the stark contrast between feeling safely pampered in Paris just a few days ago on this gift of a trip from my mother. And the financial concerns I returned home to in real life. A primary concern being, how will this affect the kids? Then…

BAM! The sound of the bird’s body came crashing into the window near me like a torpedo. Swooshing down to follow was another bird. This one  just missed  the  window and landed on the first.  The sharp  reverberation snapped me out of my worry spiral.  I was suddenly mesmerized by the  cloud of feathers fluttering around the birds.

Then, stillness.

As my mind took in what had happened I stood up and saw, directly in my line of sight, standing Triumphant on the dove, a hawklike bird of prey. Staring back at me. And just like that, the hawk spread its wings and lifted off with the dove clenched in its talons. 

WOW. Ok what just happened? This is so bizarre and jarring. I left the conference call and walked over to the feathers on the ground and looked around. All was back to normal.

I looked over to the phone and immediately took in the placement of this shocking event. What does this mean? What a shocking display of animal spirit tearing into my experience and interrupting my Darth Vader meeting of darkness that was coming for my soul. Or at least my peace. What synchronicity this was. It felt like a sign. 

So, I looked it up. “What does it mean, spiritually, when you see a hawk take its prey?” Not in my topical  Bible index of course but in the slightly less holy writ of Google. And not to disappoint, one  tradition, with highly ranked first page search engine optimization on Google, believes what I saw,  “… represents abundance, and that you’ll always be able to care for yourself and your family.” 

Okaaaaaaayyyy. Maybe it IS a sign. And  you know what? At this crossroads of cynicism verses belovedness – I’ll take it. Today the Lord speaks in mysterious ways. Today I still have the power to choose Belovedness. Today God reached through the fabric of my normal and used nature to get my attention. “Hey, hey you. I’m still here. You’re still mine. All this is mine. Keep your eyes on me”.

Also, weirder things have happened. So why shouldn’t they happen to me?

But I also know that even without this bird-sign interruption, I would get to remembrance of resting eventually. Yet this sign helped me get there sooner as it felt personal, caring. And maybe there’s a reason for my needing to get there sooner. Maybe my steadiness is needed now. I determine to remember, “I have the power to set the tone. I can show my children we remain Beloved, come what may.”

So many times the pattern in my life has been God sending me signs – reminders of my belovedness. Reminders of whose I am and of what really matters. I choose to take in those synchronicities, signs and wonders. 

I am reminded that, be it little or big problems, short or prolonged, I do not suffer without hope. Hope of the Spirit’s presence with me here and now, within me, even going before me, “Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit says the Lord of hosts”. What a gift! 

Now most of my life my guidance has been found primarily in Scripture or “special revelation”. But sometimes, general revelation speaks a word of truth. Today I am going to let nature, or “general revelation” speak to me. Reveal to me. Shake me out of my doubts and back into Beloved’s Presence. 

PS – Since our larger conversation is also about race and injustice, I want to include that when I hear white people say, “God always takes care of me” that it has given my body a reaction and I think “That might also be because you have historically had many safety nets available to you that minorities have not. So it’s easy for you to say that you magically always come out on top”. And I am aware of how it may sound naive when white people say “God always takes care of me materially”. So I write about my hope and trust while also acknowledging how white people have designed a whole system of safety nets to keep us materially and financially stable more easily. And that feels unfair and unfair to attribute it only to God. So I want to acknowledge the unfairness and realness. And the discomfort I have writing something that could sound or even BE ignorant and unfair. I’m here to hold this up to the light and explore that discomfort with you. 

Driving to Portland to see her I found Spirit inviting me into a prayer that continues to be life-giving to this day. I would visualize my friend and offer her into the deep love of God. Praying, “God, I offer Robin to you, from her toes to her head, from her left to her right, from her back to her front, from inside out…” This became a centered place for me on those drives as well as being verbalized many times in various rooms holding a hand, listening, sitting in silence, or speaking with boldness in hope.

This offering prayer was a gift spoken on the day I was with Robin’s family as the heart machine slowed, stopped, and stillness mixed with sobbing filled her room. She did not walk out of that hospital on the hill, but left us in that space doing our best to express, to one another, the same compassion and love she modeled. The gift of her life continues to this day as I have prayed this simple prayer not only for Robin and her family, but for my children, Diane my beautiful wife, the Wayside community, countless others, and often my very self. To offer both the good and challenging places to the compassionate Spirit settles me in a moment of slowing down to remember that God is present and active at all times.

When I am tempted to give into anxiety, grasping for control, hopelessness, or frantic effort to fix or to solve, I allow Spirit to call me into the flow of this prayer. I am reminded that I was not in control of Robin, I am not in control of my family, and I am not in control of my very self. Spirit flows deep within and reassures me of love and goodness no matter what. Thank you Robin, for the gift of your life of kindness that continues to ripple out and flow through me and so many others.

Spirit, may we continue to offer ourselves and one another into your love…

            From our toes to our head…

            From our left to our right…

            From our back to our front…

            From inside out…

What a simple and yet profound breath-full moment of naming both commitment and longing. This slowing down to create attentiveness to Presence deep within, nurturing Life and Love.
As I listened to the sacred stories this week in our first gathering I found this Life stirring.

Being invited to:

“befriend the hard questions…”
“nurture the pregnant time…”
“celebrate the heck out of it…”
“ask, ‘what’s next?’”
“lean into our belovedness…”
“notice the running shoes…”
“put the pin back in the grenade…”

(Osheta, Ben, Lindsay, Riley, Jean, Rahn, Jesse)

What a gift to listen and hear not only the spoken words offered with voice, breath, and soundwaves, but to hear the Life and Love beneath these words shared with vulnerability and power. Thank you all for bringing yourself as a gift. I noticed within myself a swirl of both energy and longings to let Love open way as we move into the next months together. I long to follow the Prince of Peace as I breathe in and out each moment, embracing both my innate belovedness and areas of blindness that will be revealed as this Breath settles deep within.