From black ink and wrinkled paper.

I am from the red brick porch: warm, cracked, unmoving.

I’m from the land of the Ohlone.           

From golden foothills, live oaks, and hidden creeks.

I am from California Poppies: bright, abundant, welcoming.

I’m from loving baseball and being bad at baseball.

From Bill and Mary.

I’m from expressing all my emotions as anger and saying whatever I can to keep the peace.

From “we’re so blessed” and “we don’t have enough”.

I’m from “follow Jesus” and “don’t go anywhere”.

I’m from proud Italian Americans, boiling over pasta pots, and deep fried calamari.

From the little league snack shack that my mom ran like it was a full service restaurant.

I am from the window of Papa’s shoe store, standing next to my brother making faces at all those passing by;

The stacks of disposable camera photos, half finished scrap books, and participation trophies in my childhood home;

The photographic proof that we really enjoyed spending time together after all.

Wholeness Realized – Everything in me yearns for people, places, systems, structures to be whole. I feel very strongly that wholeness being realized is the work God has invited us to do while we’re here on earth together. 

Because I so deeply value wholeness, I can easily see and sense what’s broken. At times I can be too focused on that and lose sight of the work. I can sometimes confuse wholeness with perfection and can easily get caught in a cycle of perfectionism. 

Connection/Community – One of my favorite feelings is walking away from an interaction knowing there was a sense of mutual connection. That’s one of my favorite things about being a human. I love creating that for people. To me, connection is the spark for community to form. Community reminds us we don’t do anything alone. 

I’m an introvert that loves (and needs) moments of solitude to feel like myself. I very rarely feel sad when something gets cancelled haha. I am sensitive around whether or not I belong in a place. This part of me can sometimes be in conflict with this value. I’d also add I am trying to walk away from the delusion of individualism, independence and self reliance found in white supremacy culture. I’d be lying if I said I still didn’t get caught in it. 

Creativity – I love rhythm but there are few things that irritate me more than rigid, tired systems that can’t move or bend to meet something new. I love re-evaluating and shifting as change happens so that creativity can make something new. 

With a more introverted personality, I sometimes feel like I lack the energy creativity requires. 

Integrity – A phrase I’ve always been driven by is, “make sure your insides match your outsides.” I am very aware of when that’s not happening in myself or within the organizations/systems I’m a part of. 

I tend to be high on people pleasing so it can be difficult for me to say hard things to people when I know it will sting, potentially result in them leaving community, if I messed up and my learning comes at cost to another…it feels like I’m acting outside of my integrity even though I know saying the hard thing is actually what will keep me aligned. 

Fun & Humor – this one isn’t super deep. I just love to have fun and laugh and think the world needs more of this. 

Because I tend to be drawn to the more serious, deep things in life I can sometimes forget that a good laugh might be what’s needed to bring balance and a reminder that there is still so much good. 

One of the main things that led me to the Cohort was my composition/work “Invocation – a prayer for peace”, which has been an important part of my creative life for many years. As I struggled with naming values, it came to me “but you’ve already named them in Invocation”. Invocation is a music setting of writings, prayers and poems from different faiths and cultures around the themes of violence and peace. Maybe I find it easier to hide behind the words of others? Here are some quotes that I set to music in Invocation which speak to my core values: 

1. From the Russell-Einstein Manifesto: “We implore you as human beings to human beings, remember your humanity and forget the rest.” This feels so primary for me. If we (if I) can only remember that we are all made of the same stuff…and that we are all capable of extraordinary good, but also extraordinary evil, this would take care of so many difficulties. It’s my job to let go of everything that gets in the way of  seeing fellow human beings as my kin, no matter who they are. 
2. From Rabia Terri Harris (Muslim Peace Fellowship) “Let us stop claiming to know everything, so that we may understand something.” The desire in me to think I know and to be right always creeps up, but understanding – real understanding – only happens when I’m willing to enter into that space of “I don’t know” and I’m willing to question what I think I know. With everything that’s going on in the country right now I feel like we are in a crisis of truth. Seeking truth requires me to be in love with truth more than with myself or with my clan… and it is demanding and difficult. It asks for patience and understanding and it is a constant journey. Truth and understanding often reveal themselves slowly.
3. From Frederick Douglas: “No man can put a chain around the ankle of another man without at last finding the other end of it fastened about his own neck.” This one resonates strong in my gut – I know that anything I do (individually or collectively) to hurt, belittle or nullify another ultimately imprisons me just as much as it does them, if not more.
4. From Etty Hillesum (Dutch, Jewish Woman who kept an extraordinary diary in Amsterdam during WWII and died in Auchwitz). “I no longer believe I can change anything in the world until I first change myself.” I think that the HOW is just as important as the WHAT – everything I do is colored by how I do it and who I am inside. If I try to heal a relationship or bring more peace into a situation without attending to my own non-peace or inner wounds, I will only exacerbate the friction.
5. From the Chandogya Upanishad (Hindu 8th – 6th c. BCE) “There is a light that shines beyond all things on earth, beyond all of us […] This is the light that shines in our hearts.” I truly believe and experience that I need to constantly check-in with and reconnect with that light and greater wisdom somewhere within me. The “still, small voice…” And when I do, I am humbled by what happens and unfolds, and when I don’t things tend to fall apart and neurosis takes over.

When I violate these values, is there something that regularly trips me up? I think it’s often fear. Fear of not being loved or appreciated, so I have to impress and impose… fear of rejection… so I need to take control… fear of everything being chaos and not trusting that there is a loving God in control… fear that there isn’t enough and I need to assure I get my part… fear that I’m under attack and in danger and that ultimately we are all separate.  And when I am able to live these values something inside of me grows and expands… I can breathe more freely. When I violate them I become smaller, tighter, darker and things start falling apart.

1. Am I moving towards or away from relationship?: Just about anything with a lasting impact, anything good that happens with humans seems to center around relationships. Depth of relationship brings trust, vulnerability, honesty, confession, correction, deeper belonging. Its in this framework that I am transformed, called, and corrected. Deep relationships can probably only be found with a few others in our lives but I value trying to put myself in a position to know people better and better so that I might walk alongside them. I do wonder if that value is easier to consider as an extrovert.

2. Do I embrace that my purpose as a follower of Christ is to accept and live into the invitation to join with God in God’s Mission of reconciling all of creation to God’s self? To become an ambassador of reconciliation is such a high calling and yet so fraught with the peril of my selfishness and lack of patience. If I am going to be the ambassador of something, I have to know that thing well. I have to know and be known by God so that I am true to the mission otherwise mission-creep can send me on a path full of potentially good things but maybe not the right things.

3. Do I choose Love above all?  Of course so much could be said here but my hope is to value “That of God” in each person, to call out the best, to give the benefit of the doubt.  When I was at a point of disagreement with my church in my beliefs about the place of LGBTQ folks in the church, I tried to experiment with what it would look like to error on the side of love.  Not to disregard righteousness or evil intentions and actions but to begin in a posture of love. While people say, “Correction can be a form of love” I find that my motive to correct or rebuke is almost always tied up in me. I am not very good at correcting with a pure heart.

4. Am I  increasingly showing up in ways that are Christ-like? This is another way to talk about maturity as Nina so aptly stated it.  It is easy to get stalled in my growth but like the door jam where everyones height is marked, when I pay attention, I can look back and recognize that I am making progress. I hope to get better at being obedient and not plateau in my my growth. Do others notice my maturing? Am I still wrestling with the same sin?  Transformation is process. This takes the pressure off of me to transform someone else.  It is God that does the transforming, is my maturing life a sign post to the one who transforms us?

5 Do I trust and act as if God is already there?  God does not show up on the scene just when I do.  If God is always looking to reconcile creation then God is already at work in any situation that I show up in.  This takes the focus off of my hoped for results and expectations and reminds me to begin to be curious about how/where God is at work.  So I have to ask how is God already present here?  It urges me to ask, “I wonder…” questions. What is God up to in my life and in the lives of others that I interact with, even in my enemy?

1. 1. The journey we’re on is the gap between the aspirational self and becoming formed in the image of Christ. We have to see the things that are preventing our aspirational selves, and reflect on them instead of denying them or making excuses, knowing that we are human and will make mistakes. I really think that this is absolutely crucial – what the world needs is not people who are “perfect” or “right” but authentic – people who are willing to show up vulnerability and confess wrongdoing.
   2. The need for both being and doing.  It’s eye-opening to remember that “even the demons believe” (James 2:19); we have to go from belief to Christ-like living. I tend to be more action-oriented, and I know that I need to take in what is happening in my interior life and slow down, not immediately jumping to action or application, knowing there is not one “silver bullet” that will solve everything. 
   3. Upholding the central ethic of love to combat the evil of dehumanization. The root of evil is when an image bearer of God is being dehumanized. We can agree to disagree as long as my disagreement doesn’t deny others humanity or cause harm. One of the primary spheres where dehumanization is taking place today is in the political sphere. We can’t separate politics from the lived realities that so many are facing; we can be apartisan but not apolitical.
   4. Conflict isn’t bad, it just is; we can get to some beautiful places if we stay in the tension of the conflict rather than ignoring it or jumping to resolve it.  There are times we need to call one another out, as niceness kills people. We can say, “I love you too much to let this relationship go, and I love you too much to just play nice alongside each other; that’s just a shadow of what our relationship has been.” If it’s all about the niceties then there’s no real intimacy and sense of belonging to one another. Peace isn’t an absence of tension; but rather emerges when people stay in relationship through conflict whenever possible considering safety.
   5. Our unity is derived from loving God and neighbor fully, no exceptions. Unity is not conformity; we don’t have to think the same or have the same values; but we should agree on this central love ethic of upholding love of God and neighbor as our North Star.

Here are four of my top values; how I tend to respond and a mantra I’m going to use to try to help me get out of my ruts:

1. Imago Dei: I strive to treat everyone as made in God’s image, knowing that the truest thing about them is that they are a beloved child of God and bestowed with immeasurable divine worth.

What trips me up is when people don’t show me or others this same respect and kindness. I have the tendency to want to lash back or vilify them rather than responding in love. I can also tend to rush by people towards some “goal,” seeing people as impediments that are getting in my way. I need to slow down to treat all I encounter as beloved. I especially see this tendency to rush happening with my kids. I also can fall in the trap of seeing the hard things in life as projects to “ fix” rather than sitting in the hard stuff with them. 

Mantra: The truest thing about this person is that they are a beloved child of God. How can I uphold their belovedness here and now? How can I receive the image of God that they carry?

2. Humble Integrity: I embrace the truth that I am never fully right and always partially wrong (thanks for this one Global Immersion!). I strive to be a person of integrity with the same character wherever I go – in public and in “secret.” I commit to confessing wrongdoing when I make mistakes and intentionally upholding structures of accountability in my leadership.

What trips me up is my own pride, an unwillingness to acknowledge that I may have not done things the right/best way, and a defensiveness that creeps up when things are brought to my attention. I want to work on pausing when I feel this coming up and leaning in to hear what they are saying rather than trying to defend my actions or character, knowing that I need this feedback in my life to see more clearly and be the person God has called me to be.

Mantra: I am never fully right and always partially wrong. What am I not seeing? Who else do I need to hear from?

3. Justice is higher than unity, and love is higher than justice: We can be united around anything, but if systemic dimensions aren’t considered, then we can be promoting unjust unity. Unity without justice is oppression in disguise. And even justice isn’t the end – it can mean adherence to laws that are often “slippery.” Only God’s pure love can ensure just unity.

I have learned how much my own privilege and white socialization has impacted how I live in the world and operate. I find it hard to hold my value for unity and my value for justice in tension. I am a peacemaker, yet there is a difference between “standing in the gap” to bear witness to Christ’s reconciling work and both-sides-ing. I am seeking to understand when/where/how this line exists personally and also how to differentiate my own calling with the mission of our organization.

Mantra: How can I be a peacemaker and mend divides by upholding unity, justice, and love?

4. Life is an adventure, enjoy this very moment. I’m a “7” on the Enneagram and also am high on the 9 peacemaking type. This means I love adventure and planning things to “fulfill” me, and I’m also driven to bring healing and peace to deep places of pain and rupture in our world.

I can fall into the trap of getting too single-minded in my pursuits, blowing over the people in the way and letting life pass me by. I can also get too obsessed about planning the experiences that will “fulfill me” instead of taking time to savor in the moment and enjoy the journey. I want to continue working on cherishing every little moment by pausing to find God’s graces wherever I am and with the people I am with.

Mantra: Stop and savor THIS very moment.

This was a really helpful exercise; I’m curious how it relates to creating a rule of life?

I appreciated that our blog prompt was phrased with the statement “When you violate them…”, to acknowledge that we will and we do.  In reflection, I have not come to a settled conclusion about what regularly trips me up with regard to violating these values. I think just the awareness of this question will be something to be observing now going forward in order to come to some conclusions.  But, generally speaking, I think the fast and pressured pace of daily living can cause me to be less conscientious about holding to these when I am in hurry mode or task accomplishment mode.

What I am taking note of through this reflection is that of these 6, I seem to be less consistent with the value of humility than with these others.  For me, practicing humility encompasses other values including: kindness, thoughtfulness, empathy, sincerity and openness.  Maintaining humility at all times, in all situations, with all people feels more challenging to me than maintaining my other core values.  I suspect that humility is the most challenging for me because it incorporates interaction with and response to others, whereas the other core values of integrity, generosity, justice and learning, are more internally oriented. I feel certain there is more insight and understanding to come from this reflection on my core values and developing consistency in the practice of them.  A great reminder that I am yet still a work in progress!

I feel as though these are aspirations more than core values due to the fact that I fail at all of them regularly.  The most common reason I fall short is selfishness.  It’s so easy to numb out to what is happening around me, to grow comfortably numb to those searching for identity and those in need of compassion.  It’s so much easier to focus on my own gain than to go out of my way to be generous.  It’s so much easier to pretend I don’t hear those crying out for justice.  It’s far too easy to avoid the uncomfortable work of discernment.  Living out these values demands a level of intentionality that I am still refining.  My hope is that my children will witness these values at work in me and pursue them further in their own lives. 

1. Be a good friend.
2. We can do hard things.
3. Be a good steward of time, talents and resources.

I have only revisited these a few times over the years but they remain top values, though I would tweak them a touch. Now I would articulate them in this way:

1. Hospitality: create/hold space for support, lament, rejoicing, spiritual connection
2. Generosity: be generous with money, time, talents, resources
3. Do your best: this is to me a slightly more self-compassionate version of grit
4. Be a good friend & seek out friends who are not just like me.

More recently, I have found myself thinking a lot about staying curious, and being delighted. Those are newer, and at this point aspirational values, but one of those would probably be my 5th value.

When I don’t live up to my values it is often because I am tired. I am probably tired because I say yes to too many things. Maybe my 5th value should be to be more discerning about what I say yes to!

Here are my top five values:

1. Authenticity
2. Compassion
3. Integrity
4. Well-being
5. Connection

When I violate my values, it almost always is rooted in me being over extended. When my energy is strapped, I struggle to care well for myself and others. When I’m emotionally or physically stretched like Gumby (90s kid), I’m unable to channel my energy into my values. Additionally, I think suffering poorly can make it challenging for me to live into those values. When I am hurting in isolation or hurting in a way that leads to me hardening myself, it can be really hard to be authentic, compassionate with self or others, to connect, etc. Being gentle with myself when I am suffering helps me to stay tender (and still tough– but not hard), and managing my resources wisely is key.

Also– pain/suffering keeps coming up for me in many of my peacemaking conversations… and I just want to notice that. So, here’s me noticing.