Reflect on the internal and external factors that seduce you into an unsustainable pace. What happens when you lose sight of whose and whom you are? What are the guardrails that keep you centered that we can learn from? 

Interestingly enough, as I have been reflecting, my internal and external factors pull me in opposite directions, both with inertia that has to be overcome.

As an eneagram 5, I have a core belief that if I could just KNOW enough, everything would be ok. It doesn’t matter what the thing is that is not ok, my first instinct is more knowledge, more understanding. It’s a little bit ridiculous, but when life is overwhelming and out of control, I’ll learn about literally anything to mitigate the discomfort of it- documentary about a Temple Grandin? Great. Internet rabbit hole about the KJV only crowd? Perfect.  True crime podcast? Yes please.   Even when the learning is aimed at the actual problem, this approach of needing to know more often slows my pace way down- and not necessarily in a good way.  Often in a paralyzing way.  At first I’m stuck because I don’t feel like I know enough about whatever the thing that is not ok is- and that without that knowledge I could get it wrong and do more harm.  Or look foolish- which for a large part of my life was more motivating than not doing harm.  And then, as I learn more, and begin to understand the complexities of systems and causes and effects, I’m paralyzed for a different reason- because I know that any step I take WILL cause harm in some unexpected way, and I can’t minimize all damage that might happen.  I can sit in the theoretical forever, like Dr. Strange, evaluating all potential outcomes.  Unlike Dr. Strange, I don’t get overlapping time to do this, so the result is getting stalled out and losing momentum.  I have had to learn to be willing to take steps long before I feel ready, or like I know enough, and to allow grace for outcomes that I am not able to mitigate.  I cannot wait for the perfect option, because it keeps me from doing good work.  I have found deadlines, even totally made up ones, to be helpful- to get me out of my head and on my feet.

External factors are often just the opposite. I find it impossible to see other people suffering and respond with a dawdling pace. There is an urgency to working with people who are living in survival mode that doesn’t let me sit with my thoughts about it comfortably.  I thrive in situations that involve problem solving and crisis.  Probably because I spend so much time in my head observing and synthesizing, I’m primed to make decisions quickly and seek outcomes that are wins for all parties involved. I am nimble enough to meet the task, and creative enough to look around for unexpected ideas.  The nature of the work I do supplies me with unending problems to solve, and I have learned that living in the space of crisis and solutions is not sustainable as a baseline.  Even on my drive home from the office, I begin retreating into my inner world, thoughts and podcasts and ideas.  I was sharing with someone recently that most of my dreams that I remember when I wake up are about problem solving in whatever work I’m doing.  These dreams aren’t stressful or bad dreams- they’re just what my mind does.

I think each of these spaces, my internal world and my external world, serve as balancing factors- I tend to use each as an antidote to the other.  I am getting better at dancing between them rather than swinging wildly, on the verge of burnout or depression at each arc.  I think part of that balance is found in working both with individuals and with systems.  Individuals keep me grounded in the urgency of the work, that we have to keep moving.  Advocacy on the system level lets me think deeply about the roots of the problem, and address those roots at tables where actual change can happen.  The outreach work reminds me that there are real humans with value that I’m advocating for.  The advocacy gives me hope that those humans will not forever be stuck barely surviving.  Each work fuels the other.

Most of my protective factors, or guardrails,  involve community. Having community in the same work keeps me accountable to get out of my head.  People who understand all of the same walls we run into and ditches that stop us- that just KNOW. They’re not shocked by the stories, they’re not out of tears for the tragedies.   I also have community outside of the work, that care deeply about other things that I can learn and know about.  It feels less alone when I know that we’re all tackling a piece of it.  And, a new protective factor that has been weirdly helpful, is being part of an escape room crew.  We do escape rooms and have game nights and it’s so cathartic to solve problems and strategize about things that have literally zero stakes- nothing bad happens if I fail at this, in fact, we’ll all just laugh and evaluate and laugh some more.  I am naturally bent to spend time in my head thinking about things, so I don’t have to be as intentional about creating that space- more just recognizing when I’m beginning to get crispy from living in the problem solving and let inertia take over and slow me down.  A long drive in my car is a pretty solid reset for most things that get me agitated, and is usually my go to when I need to get my head sorted out and caught up with my action.