I’ve appreciated all this cohort has been so far – the learning from all of you and our guests has been rich. I preached a sermon about repair this past week. It was deeply formed by all we have been talking about but also from a moment of harm I caused in my context as a pastor with needing to let an employee go. Firing someone is awful….firing someone who works for the church is more awful. The only thing worse is being on the receiving end ha. It’s never a good conversation, but there are better and worse ways to do it. I/we did not do a good job here and I really hurt someone.
It wasn’t until this past summer that I realized I needed to reach out in an attempt to repair. I did that. It did not go well. There are things I could have said better, done better in that attempt to repair, and I also know that this person just wasn’t in a place to hear any of it. Where this leaves me is with some pretty significant learnings around my capacity to harm (Nina’s comments around our aspirational selves being shocked by our real selves hit!!) and my relationship to power, authority, and control. And deeper than that…how is power, authority, and control expressed in the faith community I lead? It seems that when leaders have an unhealthy relationship to these things it can show up as harm…enter the work of repair. Here’s to our transforming selves!
4 comments
Thanks Jenna, I too have been thinking a lot about the process of repair and what that looks like / entails. I appreciate your honesty in how things didn’t go well and interrogating our own postures to reduce harm. Still looking for concrete resources / tools on the process of repair so would love to see those if anyone has one.
Thank you for this, Jenna. It reminds me of what you shared last time about telling yourself you were safe in the midst of hard conversations. I was so blessed to hear that you were able to be present in a new way. I experienced my own causing of harm and the need to listen without flinching when our trans daughter came out to us and she and her younger sister were super angry with me for a while. I found that I could bear listening to what I had done wrong and how I had hurt my children, because I had to! It was excruciating, but I kept telling myself; whatever they say, I will sit here and hear them. I will not flinch or run away. It was a good start. And it eventually started to make space for love again. I think the loss of control (not that I ever had any, but I thought I did!) is one of the hard things about these reckonings. I can’t control how they see me or judge me. I can’t control when or if they respond to my efforts to love. I have to let it be ugly and in limbo for a while.
Jenna, this is heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing this so simply and with such openness. I feel for you and this situation. It’s made me reflect on the ways I have inadvertently hurt someone… several examples have come back to me, and yes, it’s painful.
It’s also made me think about how I’ve evolved over time… when I was younger I was very judgmental of the people who were in positions of power over me whenever I saw that they did something wrong. Then, later on, when I found myself in positions of responsibility I found myself making similar mistakes. I think these experiences have helped to open my heart more and be less ready to judge anyone in any position of responsibility. Thank you for reminding me of that quote from Nina Barnes about aspirational selves and real selves… that speaks a lot to me too. Did she also say something like “in this life we’re going to keep bumping up against one another”. As I read your words I found myself praying “She did her part, Lord…she tried as best she could…now, Lord, you can make all things right?” I pray that this is just the middle of the story, and God will surprise you both somewhere down the line…?
Thanks Jenna for sharing this vulnerable situation. It would certainly have been much easier on you emotionally if you had just chosen to ignore the promptings to seek repair. But you didn’t and that is a sign of the transforming work that happens as we learn from our past and are equipped in new ways for our future!