Twelve years ago when I was pregnant with our first child, Tim and Chitra, a couple that is 10 years older than me, threw me a baby shower. At the shower they asked each guest to give a piece of advice to Bill (my husband) and I about parenting. Tim’s advice was to clarify 3 family values, write them down and live into them. At the time, I wrote down:
- Be a good friend.
- We can do hard things.
- Be a good steward of time, talents and resources.
I have only revisited these a few times over the years but they remain top values, though I would tweak them a touch. Now I would articulate them in this way:
- Hospitality: create/hold space for support, lament, rejoicing, spiritual connection
- Generosity: be generous with money, time, talents, resources
- Do your best: this is to me a slightly more self-compassionate version of grit
- Be a good friend & seek out friends who are not just like me.
More recently, I have found myself thinking a lot about staying curious, and being delighted. Those are newer, and at this point aspirational values, but one of those would probably be my 5th value.
When I don’t live up to my values it is often because I am tired. I am probably tired because I say yes to too many things. Maybe my 5th value should be to be more discerning about what I say yes to!
4 comments
Claire, I too love your definition of hospitality. This is very freeing and encouraging for me. I have a love/hate relationship with the “spiritual gift” of hospitality but applying your definition to this word allows me to see the value. It is feels like beautiful work to create/hold space for support, lament, rejoicing, spiritual connection!
Kassandra: I too have wrestled with hospitality because of American cultural messages around being the hostest with the mostest. Priya Parker, author of the Art of Gathering, has been such a good counterweight. Her material is great-check it out if you haven’t already.
Thanks for sharing this Claire! I love that you’ve had those three values articulated for so long! I also love that Do your best is one of your values and how it is a self-compassionate version of grit! I also can relate from having a hard time saying no and am a recovering people pleaser.
I love this, Claire! Your definition of hospitality as holding space for support, lament, rejoicing, and spiritual connection is really powerful and has me examining how I view those areas of my life as well. I also really resonated with your desire for curiosity and delight, two values that strongly impact the way we show up for others.