My top five values (along with what I mean when I use these words) are:
- Authenticity – be yourself
- Integrity – be who you claim to be
- Empathy – recognize what others are feeling and sit with them in that
- Connection – we are created to know and be known
- Passion – give all you have to everything you do
What most often leads to violation of my core values is perfectionism and striving rooted in fear of failure, judgement, and rejection. My whole life, I’ve felt like I don’t quite fit. I think and act differently than most. I have adapted to societal norms well-enough to navigate the world, but have rarely felt accepted by others for who I truly am.
This is especially pervasive in my role as a pastor in a mainline denomination. There is an underlying expectation of who a pastor is, how they should think, speak, and behave, what they should wear, and so on. I am reminded of this on an almost daily basis through subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) comments from the people with whom I serve. Experience has shown me that I can only be my authentic self to a certain point before it becomes too much for some. There are times when this also hinders my capacity for empathy and connection, because I am too focused on being all things to everyone.
7 comments
Steve, your words resonate deeply with me and then add the dynamic of being a female when a number of religious institutions and communities still say that pastors cannot be female. And I agree that it would be so much easier to just step away from the opinions, and when I am tempted, God seems to faithfully remind me that I am in this “place” for such a time as this. May you be encouraged by this same reminder!
Dear Steve, I really appreciate the thoughts that you have shared here. I too relate to the feelings of not quite fitting in, as well. I often use the language that I feel like I am “on the outside of the inside.” I once heard David Brooks describe that the outside of the center is a powerful place to be, because that’s where bridges can be built. It can be a lonely road, but I try to remind myself that it’s holy work. This language “there is an underlying expectation of who a pastor is…” really speaks to me. I feel like there are so many roles I could replace with the word pastor– mother, academic, therapist, etc. Thank you for putting words to those feelings, because it reminds me that I’m not alone! <3 (I need WordPress to offer emojis)!
Yes, absolutely. Being “on the outside of the inside” also enables us to see things we wouldn’t be able to see if we were right in the middle of it all.
Ooooweee, I felt this post. Wow. Thank you for your authentic sharing. It has me thinking about where is God/Spirit/Universe’s voice amongst the other voices?
Thanks, Katy! I have to be really intentional about stepping back/away to listen for God’s voice … to hear God’s truth. And honestly, there are many times I’d rather just stay there.
I relate to the feelings of not fitting in, it’s really challenging to be called to leadership in that context. I really appreciate your perseverance and commitment to being a peacemaker, even though it’s hard and even unwelcome in some ways. You’re not alone!
Thank you for your encouragement, Brigid! My experience is that most would rather you be a peacekeeper, rather than a peacemaker.