Nina said, “Identify your top 5 values and document them. Pay attention to when you violate them (not if you violate them).” My top 5 changes from time to time, but the following are particularly important to me: relational healing, fairness, shared leadership, joy and a sense of play, and showing others their belovedness. Being overly busy, not taking time to slow down and think (I fall into the doer camp with Nina), and being too focused on comfort and security tend to trip me up. I feel convicted to keep a pulse on these areas that make me act like a person I don’t want to be.
I also believe that knowing your values can be a source of courage, especially when find yourself in a difficult conversation. If the situation goes completely wrong, at least you can walk away knowing you stuck to your core values. I have had so many times when, out of fear, I didn’t say anything. But I now feel more called to speak up. As Nina said, “If I don’t say anything, then I’m complicit in the evil.” I can also reflect on a few times when I found the courage to speak up. For me, it doesn’t happen easily, and reflecting on my values gives me the courage to do it.
Freedom or Perfection
Nina was talking about the idea of getting rid of perfection. I don’t personally have a perfectionist self-expectation that I struggle with, but I do lack self-control and can be careless at times. She said that you have to muffle it. You can’t get rid of it. It’s a process, a journey. I need to pray I think, more often, at all the things that trigger my lack of self-control.
Jer said in the chat, “what drives my desire be/get better?” I wonder if the driver is to be free from our poison, maybe that will be a resilient motivation. If the driver is out of an expectation of perfection, I can see that fizzling out very quickly.
Naming Systems
“When you see something in someone, name it. Live with kindness, not niceness. Kindness tells the truth. Kindness cares enough about another person to not be comfortable.”
In my leadership of the self class, I have an assignment in which I ask my students to think about something they admire about someone else, then go to them and say the thing. After that they practice naming their styles under stress. That’s the beginning. Later, we get into identifying all types of systems and then naming them. Some are healthy, some are toxic. The purpose being to build the muscle of naming things that often remain unsaid. Then we can live with intention, rather than automatically playing a part in the systems that remain below our conscious.
In a response to Chris’ question in the chat, Nina said that in the act of naminig what is real, some people will call you the instigator because their highest value is to keep the conflict at bay. This reminded me of the family systems theory concept of differentiation of self, which is the ability to remain separate and present in the midst of anxiety (i.e., not cutoff or reactive). Differentiation enables us to speak with truth and kindness. Doing this (or any self-differentiating move for that matter) inherently disrupts the system and usually comes with a bit of sabotage, like being called an instigator or other names. The goal of systems in general is to maintain the status quo. But the differentiated leader is like an immune system, and eventually the system calms down. If I want to be a peacemaker, I need to prepare myself for a bit of sabotage.
For anyone who is interested in a visual representation of common systems, here is a linke that shows some of the most common archetypes (e.g., tragedy of the commons, addiction, etc.): https://thesystemsthinker.com/systems-archetypes-at-a-glance/
4 comments
I love that you mentioned a sense of play. I’d be curious to hear more about how you came to that as a value? It’s become important to me too. As well as being a musician, I’m a Feldenkrais Method Practitioner (I teach it to musicians, and others…). Feldenkrais is a means of becoming more aware of your body and how you use it to find more fulfilling, integrated, efficient ways of moving and doing everything you have to do. One of the things that is central in this work is always coming at it (and everything) with a sense of play and curiosity. This has been so important to me in my playing and teaching. It’s also been helpful in undoing the knots in relationships, or situations.
I was also really interested in what you brought up about knowing your values, speaking up…being afraid to speak up. I find myself being afraid to speak up because of not wanting to push someone away and being afraid that maybe I don’t understand everything that’s involved. I’m afraid to speak up too because I’m afraid of the vehemence and emotion that might come along with it, which can be violent in its own way. As I read what you wrote it really made me think about the complexity of when to speak up and when to listen and stay silent. You put your finger on something that’s not easy for me.
I was also really interested in everything you said about naming systems and I had a look at the link with the archetypes. This is all new to me and interesting.
Thank you for all of this, it really got me to think about so many things and reminded me of some things that Nina had said that were important to me but I had forgotten or not thought more about.
David – I too find myself dwelling in the “doer” camp more often than I know is good for me. It is familiar and comfortable and often works well, but I know it cannot be my only operational mode! I also appreciate your insight about Family Systems Theory. I learned about this last year and I am still exploring all of the intricacies of this theory so your insight adds to my learning!
David – I love the perspective you shared through the lens of family systems theory and the idea that our values can be a source of courage. This motivates me to draw on my own values when I’m feeling under stress.
This is packed with encouraging thoughts, thank you! I love the idea of letting the driver be that we are seeking ‘freedom from our poison.’ Freedom from the things that are truly death to our true selves, our peacemaker selves. Like you said – it doesn’t have to be about it going well, it can be about living our values more and more.