When I take a moment to really think about it, the real trenches of my peacemaking practice at this moment are not the trenches I expected. I took on a new leadership role this year. In the first couple months of this role, I’ve been trying to direct a team, lead a department through normal fall busy-ness and the cultural context of election season, finish up a doctoral program, and navigate a few work crises… and to top it all off I had surprise gallbladder removal surgery! I have found that I’m pretty darn behind and overwhelmed in pretty much every area of life… so last spring, while I thought that the trenches would be in student formation and interpersonal relationships, I’m finding that the trenches are really within myself. I have approximately zero spaciousness in my brain and in my spirit, so there have been times this fall where crises arise that I find myself tempted to just deal with the issue as quickly as possible with whatever gut-instinct available to me. The trenches of my peacemaking right now are the places where I feel like I’m working to keep my head above water instead of really taking time and space to process how I’d like to engage in any given situation.

I’ve essentially lived the last few months only being able to attend to the thing that’s one foot in front of my face – there are things that I’ve missed because I haven’t been able to lift my head up and look beyond or around. The consequence of this feels like I probably would be naming different trenches that are within my context rather than within myself.

There are two things that are growing my hope within this. First, that I notice my capacity for peacemaking work growing even in time-sensitive or overwhelming moments. I can lead with curiosity and keep a pro-human approach at the center in a way that would’ve taken far more work and capacity before JOH. Second, my lack of ability to do this all myself is helping me see how to engage people around me and to invite them to a peacemaking-oriented way of proceeding.

The biggest thing that is generating anxiety is that I’m missing something… or a lot of somethings. I have a distinct amount of anxiety that there will be things that come up that I will be reacting to when I could’ve been proactive and engaged peacemaking practices. It’s this feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop that is not my preferred way of being in the world. While catching up and getting ahead in my work would be helpful towards remedying that sensation, I also think that part of the work I am invited to is curiosity for myself and preparation for how I’d like to respond in moments where I need to act whether unexpectedly or expectedly.