I feel that I am gaining some confidence in my leadership, because even though I feel like I am an oddball in the cohort and do not have nearly as much influence over people as the rest of you, I am here, and God wants me here; I have been put into small but meaningful positions of leadership, and I sense God wants me there; therefore I should seek to use all the influence that I have for whatever purpose God has for me. Right? So I sense myself taking more ownership of my roles. For example, leading the Gaza Ceasefire Pilgrimage last weekend for my city, I believe I felt more peaceful within myself than I expected, rather than anxious that I would show up insufficiently, say the wrong thing, or just not lead well. I think I also have been more confident than I would normally be that a small act can be actually significant. Previously, my hesitations for leading something like this would be overwhelming anxiety that “like 2 people would show up” and that it would feel like a failure, and we would walk for no reason. But I went into it with a peaceful countenance, confident that Jesus would be walking with us, and no matter how small it was, Jesus can and does move in the heavenly places when his children step out in faith. So it seems perhaps that what is deepening in me is not only confidence in myself but confidence in Emmanuel, God with us, every step of the way.

You know what else… I came back to write this part: I think maybe some of the confidence growing within me can be attributed to this community that I have here, because in a sense I carried you all with me on my walk. I also had a handful of friends here that immediately said they’d walk with me the moment I signed up our city. I think just having a community even if its small, of solidarity, can go a long way to remove that aloneness.

And, oh my goodness, it was a beautiful experience. It was small, maybe a couple dozen. But I got to meet Palestinians who have lived in Huntsville for decades. One man who could trace his lineage all the way back to Abraham, said that by our act, he felt seen, whereas he has usually felt like he should be quiet and not speak up about the things happening to his people. So again, I remember: a small act can be actually significant. Hearing him say that meant the world to all of us listening. And another woman from Gaza also told us that our voices are very powerful and implored us to keep using them… this was not insignificant, either.

I think I am also feeling more confident and deepening in my desire to understand people with different opinions that my own. I’ve had more opportunities to practice this. I received a text from an old friend I’ve not spoken to in years, who has seen my posts about the pilgrimage and is concerned that my compassion is misguided. She thinks I should recognize that God is on Israel’s side and I better not hinder His divine plans. Rather than formulating a come back text, or just pretending like I didn’t get the message, I thanked her and asked her to meet for coffee some day. And even though that coffee date produces some anxiety imagining, I sincerely hope she takes me up on it. Not because I want to change her mind either… I don’t think I will. I think I genuinely want to just… listen. And see if she will listen to me.