Well this is the question of the hour for me. I struggle with anxiety. I also go deep into things that really matter to me. So, often I will commit myself to things without counting the long term cost, or without assessing my schedule and then I veer towards burnout if I’m not careful. I can feel frustration at myself in the moments that my weakness collides with the urgency of now. I can really spiral and feel guilty, not good enough, etc… 

However, that first paragraph describes how I 100% lived my life about 5 years ago… and now it is less and less. A big part of that was starting my counseling journey. That has helped me to become more aware and curious about myself. And my counselor has also helped me to become aware of the ways in which my longing for justice has some of its roots in my story, which is super helpful, because I’m learning to interrogate my reasons for decisions to act or not to act. (would I be doing this for approval, or am I holding in my mind the knowledge that I’m already approved? Would this require more of me than I can give right now, or is this my next right thing?) 

I still get caught up in the anxiety spiral, and it can happen fast. One strategy I employ is, I pause and I close my eyes if possible, and ask God where he is right now, and what is his posture towards me. I let this awareness wash over me and then sit in it for a while until I feel ready to move on. I’ve been practicing breath prayers more since we talked about them last week, which is also very helpful. Also yoga. I also love being outside, walking, hiking, biking etc, and would love this year to get myself into a rhythm of being outside often, to see and be immersed in the beauty of creation.

Also, what a timely question this is. Last week I was wanting to participate in the Gaza Ceasefire Pilgrimages but was feeling overwhelmed by imagining everything I’d need to do to organize, because no one had registered for my city, much less anywhere in my state. And, it was honestly a hard week with the kids. But I watched a conversation between Jer and Jarrod McKenna, where Jarrod was saying that you can look at it as a “though none go with me, still I will follow”, register your city, and start walking. That reminded me of what we’d discussed about pilgrimage last week, how the act of moving your body with intention is itself transformational. It suddenly felt like the burden was lifted, and I was filled with hope that this might be the very thing that I need right now in my relationship with God, to deepen my walk with Him and to also help my heart remain connected to the longing for a ceasefire in Gaza. So I’ve been thinking about this blog prompt throughout my discernment process and appreciated it a lot.