In a bit of a continuation of my comment to Hannah, these two days with Rich and Becky have been full of conversations of how we’re working to navigate the world, each in our unique contexts. They were just home in San Diego with both of their families (who I know most of the players of) and we were talking through the different dynamics at play, where they were able to push and challenge things, and where there just didn’t seem to be inroads. (and also how counseling has helped each of us process through the road blocks that are just too close to us to see objectively around). We were scheming a bit on how to “organize” and develop conversations with their different family members from each of our unique relationships with them (I’m real life and online friends with several folks on both sides, and because of Rich and my old jobs working together at the gap year, have traveled with 5-6 of them, and been invited to family gatherings on both sides. I’m basically bonus family). We’re’ conspiring on who is ready for next conversations, and that sometimes my being a bit more distance gives me more freedom to enter in with them.

This friendship, Rich, Becky and I, has always been a safe place to wrestle with things. They have always been more conservative than I am, but have followed me as I progressed more, and are always willing to challenge and push back on my ideas so we can think through them together. I think having people like this in my life is part of why the unraveling doesn’t feel… desolate. I was taught with certainty that faith/the Bible/all of it was an all or nothing proposition, and if that JUST ONE THING isn’t true, then it’s all wasted, but I haven’t found that to be true. Once I began to realize that, it all became so much less scary. I know people who have deconstructed all the way out of faith, but that is not where I have landed yet. I’m not afraid of landing there, but I’m not there now, and it doesn’t seem like that’s where I’ll land. I have too much love, admiration, and awe for Jesus and how he lived his life, and think that even if I let go of everything else, I would hold on to that.

This is a great question. I think I am paying attention- more deeply observing- the power structures and systems most immediately around me. At work, noting who holds power, who doesn’t, how people use their power or don’t- both in the office culture, where I’m part of a larger team of mostly peers, and with my team where I am the leader. I’m trying to be intentional about creating space for story and processing and sitting with and laughter and tears, and not just moving on to the next thing in efficiency. Connecting happens inefficiently. I am working to build trust with the newest member of my team, and it is taking time. it is inefficient. He likes to explain… everything, and doesn’t yet read social cues as to when something is explained enough (which probably bugs me because I am prone to do this). And connection is inefficient, so I remind myself that it is ok to wait, and in the listening I reduce the power gap a little bit.

Currently, I’m staying with my Ferreira friends in Michigan. Tomorrow I drop the parents off to head out to Greece and Istanbul and Israel (and maybe Jordan? I’m not clear on all that’s happening), but for the last two days I have been intentional about how observing how they parent each of their 4 kids uniquely, and how they each bring their unique selves to it. I notice the power plays the kids make, and when Rich and Becky choose to lay down their “power” rather than require compliance.

This is really where I’m at- looking around at how the systems I am most immediately involved in function. Understanding the dynamics and why they work or don’t. I don’t have solutions or even ideas toward solutions really yet, but more wanting to really understand the “why” things happen first.