This is a hard topic. I don’t like to think about who I other, because very often, I am pushing away traits I recognize in myself, and don’t want to acknowledge or deal with. I feel justified in who I other, or at least, I’m a good enough rhetorician to almost convince myself that I AM justified. Almost.
I find myself most often othering who I once was; judgmental, certain, smug, and all of that with less information than I have now. I worry that I might still be those things, and I don’t see it, just like I didn’t see it so much then.
One of the things I have learned through my work with people in recovery is that when you overreact or under-react to something, there’s something else that it’s about, so the work is to figure out what that something else is. I have found that to be true when I react strongly in general- it’s usually about something else. So when I react strongly to someone and put them in the category of other, after I’m done trying to justify it to myself, I try to figure out why. Most often, it’s something I recognize in myself and dislike, and so I’m pushing it away in them as a way of pushing it away in myself. The reality is I need to acknowledge it, root it out, lament it, and make amends.
So what does this mean for me today. Literally this week. Well, Bill, the person who currently pushes my buttons in all sorts of ways, provides me all sorts of opportunities for self examination, which is a task that I have been avoiding, when it comes to Bill, until pretty recently. With Jer’s challenge to get curious and move closer, to seek understanding, I went into this week and my multiple meetings in groups with Bill ready to lean in and try to understand some of Bill’s values, and then he was pleasant. In both meetings. He was polite, and humble and deferred to others’ expertise. I was disoriented. I wondered if merely changing my disposition to Bill changed how he interacts with meetings. I don’t think that’s the case, but maybe I was just seeing him with more charitable eyes. Which makes the next few weeks of meetings less… dread inducing. So, while I haven’t had a conversation with Bill about the values that are behind some of his more infuriating traits, I am committed to it, and sooner rather than later. And I will hopefully have better phrasing in the asking by the time I get to it.
5 comments
Jen – what you said about othering people who are what you once were, and wondering if that means you still are those things . . . wow. Thank you for sharing that insight. I want to ponder that.
And what a gift to have the next few weeks of meetings be less dread inducing! I can imagine what a weight that must lift to feel that. And I am curious to see how it plays out with Bill!
Jen, this is such a powerful post! I loved hearing about how changing your attitude toward Bill changed how your interaction with him went. I’m excited to hear more about this relationship in the future. Also, I really resonated with your observation that you tend to dislike in others what you used to be. I am in this boat as well. When I spot it, it tends to me that I have it!
*mean that I have it.
Jen. I am pondering the way you even note your own rhetoric can be swayed to support a narrative about ourselves, or others. I think its akin to what Ben McBride said about noticing the areas we withhold grace from others that we are quick to give ourselves when in similar situations. And, I look forward to further episodes on Bill… what changes when you continue to lean in with grace and curiosity. I too noticed how QUICKLY things feel different with the person in my family when I decided to pursue a different posture toward them. To be continued for us both, but I like you, find the future interactions less dread inducing!
Interestingly, I think one of the things that is happening is that turning in posture ‘toward’ Bill is helping me to allow him to be… nuanced. I am realizing I’ve been flattening him out into a binary of good or bad, but I’m better able to see that he’s good at some things and bad at others.
At the community meeting for the RV lot on Thursday night, he came up and sat next to me with the presenters, wearing his clergy collar, and I was annoyed- he was NOT asked to present or ‘lend his credibility’ to this event. But then in the Q and A from the community, there was a particular older white man that was coming up with somewhat agressive questions, and Bill walked over to Josh (facilitating the answers mic) and took the mic and very strategically answered the man, with kindness but also certainty and calling to his better nature- in a way that this particular man would only hear from another old white man. Bill used his old-white-man-ness very deftly in that moment, and again when the same man came up and played to the news cameras again.
so, my narrative about Bill was challenged, and I’m glad I happened to be open enough to catch that and adjust my heart about it.