It’s funny how ego likes to force its way into absolutely everything. When I first read this blog prompt, I knew exactly what I wanted my answer to be. I wanted to say that most resonated with the word “liberating.” I wanted to say that I understood White Christian Nationalism, that I had dismantled it from my life, and that I was doing the good work and fighting the good fight of dismantling it in the world around me. But as much as I want for all of that to be true, that simply isn’t where I am right now. Instead, I think I am stuck somewhere between “disoriented” and “deconstructing.”

I identify with the “disoriented” descriptor because—in many ways—white Christian nationalism still disorients me. Having grown up in a denomination where most people refuse to say the pledge of allegiance, I find myself utterly confused when I meet Christians who revere the flag as if God Himself created it. I still find myself thrown totally off-guard when people start talking about the United States as if it is a new Israel or pull scripture out of context and try to apply it to the United States. I know that all of this is a thing. Despite all of the consciousness of the dangers of mixing Jesus and country in the Quaker church, I still see it happen, so I am mentally aware of it. But it surprises me every single time.

“Deconstructing” also resonates with me because I think that I am very much still in the process of shedding some of this ideology from my life and faith. Something that I struggle with is inappropriate caretaking. Growing up, it was always my job—as the oldest sister—to mother my siblings. When my husband began to struggle with alcoholism in the early years of our marriage, I fell into the role of mothering him. And unfortunately, I sometimes bring this energy into my other relationships. I think I know what is best for everyone, and that is very much—in addition to weird family dynamics and response to trying to save my husband—a product of white Christian nationalism. I have to work very hard to pull myself back when I feel this tendency and others coming up. I almost wonder if I will always be deconstructing this, to a certain extent.

Some next steps for me are to keep learning and to keep disentangling. Also, however, I think that a big next step for me lies in that concept of being that we have been talking so much about. I have to keep reminding myself that I am beloved, and so is everyone else. I have to keep allowing God’s love and grace to be the thing that humbles me, guides me, and girds me.