Others. That’s what seduces me into an unsustainable pace. To be honest, there is running narrative in my head that always says I need to be better, smarter, faster, more eloquent, funnier, more experienced, etc., – like how I perceive others around me to be. When my pace is unsustainable it’s because I’m trying to be like them and somehow add up to what I see in them.
When I try to add up to others, I totally lose sight of whose and whom I am. And this is probably one of the most challenging pieces of living a life of faith for me. I have a hard, hard time believing my belovedness. A really hard time.
Now, I can easily see it in others. As an Enneagram 4 I’m often observing and trying to empathize with what is going on deep inside a person. And as I do that I feel a deep desire to let them know just how special – how Beloved – they really are. And how much God-given potential they have to do incredible things. Yet, it is so, so hard for me to believe that on my own. Frankly, it’s a bit perplexing to see others that way but not myself.
Now I’m way open to suggestions but here’s a few thoughts on guardrails that keep me centered… Actually, I picture them more like those retractable bumpers at the bowling alley. They aren’t there in case I drift off the road but are there for when I inevitably veer out of the lane! Now I wish I could say something spiritual like “I dive into God’s Word and I’m back on track!” But my two bumpers are a little less ethereal. I simply find two things work best: 1) asking for feedback and 2) sharing what I see in others. ]
- I have a love/hate relationship with feedback. I don’t like to draw attention to myself, but I love it when someone encourages me about who I am.
- On the other hand, I love to encourage others with how I see them – and how I see their Kingdom gifts and potential.
Those are the actions that keep me in the lane. And without them I find myself in the gutter, waiting for that metaphorical ball to be spit back out of that machine-track-thingy next to the old ash tray and the Cheeze -Whiz nachos. 😉
4 comments
Oh my fellow Enneagram 4, ours is a wild, spicy and confounding journey. From what I understand, we who identify as type 4 compare with others as a way of “trying” on pieces to discover our “authentic” self (read: our unique belovedness). And (speaking from my experience at least) it puts us in a lose-lose of riding the high’s of what others tell us and the lows of what we feel we can’t measure up to. Belovedness is the antidote. Yes, to speak it to others but yes, more so, to fortify it internall, letting its truth into the cracks of our tender spaces. This is easy for me to type, and is a daily (moment to moment) habit of leaning into the source of belovedness. So “dive into the word and be back on track” right?!
What I want to know is if you can recall times when you have felt connected to your belovedness; held, known, alive, free? How would you describe it? Do you feel it in the quiet of the winter white trees? What is your body doing? Are there words you’ve ever heard about yourself that came from inside you, but were not “from you”?
Brandon, I experience you as thoughtful, introspective, kind, and a comfort to those around you. I see you as a unique voice, and have appreciated each time you share your thoughts and insight. I am glad you are on a journey of seeking to believe in your own belovedness- while I want to reflect that to you, it seems like that feeds into the first part of your post of being unfulfilled by external comparisons- so instead I will pray that you will find that knowledge from within. Regardless, you ARE beloved.
Amen to that Jen.
Hi Brandon, I really resonate with this. I, too, am a “words of affirmation” person–in the language of The Five Love Languages. It’s so much easier to share those words with others than it is to believe those same words about yourself!