A lot of people these days seem to learn about themselves through the Enneagram, but for me, it was Al-Anon—a twelve-step program for relatives and friends of alcoholics—that gave me a deeper understanding of myself. I have spent four years in the program and worked through the steps twice, and what continues to be revealed to me is that I am terrified of not being loved. I am so afraid of not being loved that when I begin to feel like I am not being loved well, I start doing things to try to earn that love. These attempts can look like anything from helping others, to people pleasing to performatively posting on social media. And when those attempts don’t give me the security that I am seeking, I up the ante until I receive the love that I need.

While this might sound corny as all get out, what keeps me grounded is my own little version of the Serenity Prayer. I pray: God, grant me the serenity to accept the love that has been given to me, the courage to be who You have called me to be and nothing more, and the wisdom to know the difference. This reminds me that I don’t have to earn love. I am already loved—even if I don’t feel loved in the moment. It also reminds me that going out and trying to earn love usually hurts both me and the people who I am “helping”, or the people who I am railing against on social media. Keeping myself rooted in love—both God’s abundant and unceasing love, and the love that others have for me—makes all the difference.