I admit it, I drove away from my stay with Mary-Rose in Birmingham with tears in my eyes.  Our final module in Coventry reminded me that Journey of Hope 2022 was over and that I might never again be with the colleagues who have become deeply precious to me.  I thought back to our first residential at Ammerdown and how terrified I had been – would I be the weirdo in the corner?  Would I discover that I was on completely the wrong course? Would I cope with the sensory overload it might bring? I needn’t have worried: I was immediately treated with love and acceptance and, as the module became more and more challenging, found the courage to be vulnerable, knowing that this was a part of my strength in this environment – and my colleagues became my beloved colleagues at that point.

The day before our meeting in Coventry, I recalled another beginning: I visited Dorchester Abbey (Oxfordshire), which I had attempted to visit on my ‘grand tour’ of English Cathedrals last year but found it closed.  I was immediately hit by the recollection of that first day of the trip when, full of hope and excitement, I had visited.  What made this so significant was that, at the end of that trip, I returned to a dying (and very, very beloved) Blue.  I became acutely aware that I had begun my exploration of England’s 43 Anglican Cathedrals with a rabbit who was very much alive but would be completing it without him waiting for me at home.  Once again, the trauma of losing him became overwhelming.

Dramatic camera-fade to the present time:  I have two beautiful rabbits, Erev and Lilah (aka the warring factions!) and a cohort of friends who have affirmed and upheld me throughout 2022.  The dark days after Blue died are behind me, however long they may cast their shadows.  Life has moved forwards and I have found new happiness.

On Tuesday, I will complete my collection of English cathedrals (and, thanks to Journey of Hope, I have gathered 12 Northern Irish cathedrals of both denominations, too) and once again I will reach the end of a pathway.  It is poignant that I should do this just as JOH is complete (the in-person modules, at least).  I find myself deeply sad that our current path is concluding yet, just as I did when Blue died, I knew there was no turning back.

And so I ask myself ‘what next?’ 

The answer is obvious: just as I built a new relationship with Erev at a time when Blue’s ashes had not long been scattered in all his favourite spots in our garden, there are only two things that I need to do.  First: I need to accept the position in which I find myself and be kind to myself as I adjust; second: something needs to rise from the ashes.  And so, at Mary-Rose’s suggestion, I will try to maintain our community of JOH 2022 participants (perhaps Becca will give me some cat-herding tips!)  I haven’t settled upon a format as yet, but I sincerely hope to find a way in which we can discuss, collaborate and continue to grow together.

In the meantime, I intend to take a little respite and then I hope to begin visiting as many of you as possible in your church / spiritual settings.

Much love to you all,

Franceska

Image: Chapel of Reconciliation, Coventry Cathedral (taken with a very silly lens!)