I am from parents who desperately wanted a child… but not one like me

I am from grandparents who adored me and accepted me just as I am

I am from the cuddly-toy rabbit my godmother gave me for my second birthday who I loved so much that he became a series of real rabbits that have spanned my life so far

I am from learning to read, not just books but any words I could find

I am from loving every second that I have spent learning

I am from asking God when my parents said no… and blaming Him when life seemed unbearable

I am from waiting for hours at our front gates with welcome banners for my overseas cousins to arrive and nights spent talking with them until we were put into separate rooms

I am from feeling different and not fitting in anywhere I went

I am from rope swings, dens, wading along streams and rivers, climbing trees and talking all night with my other godmother’s son

I am from not being the pretty one, the kind one, the popular one, the one who was chosen for teams but having a few really special friends at any one time

I am from the beatings, the emotional manipulation, the mental abuse and always feeling afraid

I am from the girl guide camps where we would chat, sing, get muddy and laugh way beyond lights-out

I am from discovering classical music as a teenager and knowing that I fitted in at last and would always have precious friends

I am from meeting my very best friends at the age of 16 and discovering that, no matter how long we go without seeing each other, it is as though we have always been together

I am from singing alto at school, soprano at college, tenor at university and finally finding my place in the second tenor section in choirs as an adult

I am from that first pair of hippie patchwork trousers that I wore until they were mostly holes

I am from the orchestra residentials where I had a whole gang of friends who wrote to each other for years afterwards – Coathanger, Past Sax-life, Gnome, Sheep, and some who even used their actual names

I am from that first orchestra tour, where I fell in love with the Czech Republic, spent a fortnight with my friends, was treated as an adult for the first time and cried when it was time to come home

I am from the gap year where I followed my dream of studying music for the first time

I am from hugging my grandmother at my grandfather’s funeral, knowing that she was as broken as I was

I am from co-dependency and people-pleasing, saying yes to anything that I thought might make me essential to their lives

I am from agreeing with things that are repulsive to me now, just to feel a part of something

I am from the university years, when I only hung out with other screwed-up people for brief, intense friendships and relationships

I am from passing my driving test age 20 and discovering the freedom to go anywhere

I am from pit orchestras, bandstands, symphonic concerts, chamber music, concert bands and any other way I could participate in music-making

I am from treating flute pupils as individuals and listening to their jokes and from the bet with one of them that I couldn’t learn the bassoon in a term and pass grade 5

I am from the contrabassoon solo in Shostakovitch 5, conducted by one of my longest-standing friends

I am from improvising along to hymns and praise songs in countless churches and on countless instruments, finding acceptance among people but avoiding God

I am from the years of putting all my energy into running a St. John Ambulance unit, where I achieved all that I aimed to but where those above me just didn’t understand my approach

I am from getting kids excited about giving gifts to people in hospital each Christmas Eve

I am from having the privilege to watch those kids grow into amazing adults and still think of me as a friend

I am from ‘coming out’ to my friends as an abuse survivor… and being offered unconditional love and acceptance

I am from getting so traumatised by the Department for Work and Pensions’ treatment that friends would come over every evening and take me for a moonlit swim in the sea as a distraction

I am from being made homeless and realising that those who had the least helped me the most in those months of need

I am from sitting beside one of those friends in her hospice bed just a year later

I am from realising that I don’t fit the gender binary particularly well… and learning that I am quite happy that way

I am from discovering the rosary, adoration and the Tridentine Mass in Latin and finally finding peace and a way to come to God

I am from realising that symbolism is deeply meaningful to me… and using it to make vestments and my Rosary Garden

I am from having the courage to go to the first Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting, which set me on a path to recovery

I am from the bleakness of parting company with someone who I thought would be my friend for life

I am from returning to a church that I had left years earlier, only to hear the same epistle reading as the first time I went there.  I am still there.

I am from feeling the call to serve God as a Deacon… but the Diocese not yet being able to see it

I am from my autism diagnosis, which assured me that God had made me this way and will use my gifts for His purpose, helped me to accept myself as I am and gave me the freedom to stop pretending to be just like everyone around me

I am from learning that God will use the traumas of my past to teach me the importance of boundaries, of peace, of not judging and of openness

I am from my 40^th birthday Mass and party, where people from every part of my adult life came together and I just stood there, overwhelmed and grinning

I am from those wonderful lunchtimes with my Wednesday friends (a group of adults with learning disabilities) where each of us accepts the others as equals, from blowing bubbles to catch, from paralysing hugs, from sitting in silence together, from uncontrolled giggles, from being insulted in sign language, from slightly dribbly kisses, from squeals of laughter, from asking ‘who is the biggest pickle here’ and pointing at each other and from unconditional love

I am from playing duets with Beloved Duettist in between making puns in so many languages, reciting the London Underground map and singing ridiculous words to what we’re supposed to be playing

I am from Beloved Vicar, who believes in me and allows me to express myself freely… but also knows how to set boundaries lovingly and firmly

I am from so many trips to the Czech Republic and Slovakia; thousands of miles by bus, train and car; visiting out-of-the-way villages, towns, cities, churches and historical sites, driving the length of the Iron Curtain and the river Vltava to take photos, meeting my surrogate family in Telc and wandering the streets of Prague for days at a time, lost in wonder

I am from trying to say ‘I don’t eat that – it comes from the Devil’s bottom’ in Czech, managing instead to say ‘it comes from hell without changing buses’… and laughing at my own ineptitude

I am from driving 2000 miles around England to visit (almost) all its cathedrals

I am from loving and losing the pets who became family – and learning to love their successors just as much in their own way

I am from playing for 6 hours in a workshop on an instrument I’d had 20 minutes to learn to play

I am from Journey of Hope, where I felt I should probably be there to make the tea when I looked at the qualifications and experience of the other participants, but was welcomed, accepted, embraced, loved, heard, valued and challenged

I am from the unavoidable giggle-flap when cold water reaches my middle

I am from laughing all the way to the Giant’s Causeway and back, sticky ice cream in my hair and feeling part of our transatlantic family

I am from love, although it took me a while to realise that

Image: Me at my 40th birthday party with my best Friends, Janet and Rodney, who I met wen I was 16