I was 12 when my mum was diagnosed with cancer. For 10 years she lived with cancer, and she lived with dignity, rarely complaining, people would not have known. She was someone who drew people to her, who had the rare gift of really listening, of knowing you deeply and understanding what you needed and when. Losing a mother is agonising, it fractured my world, she was my absolute rock. This event changed my life completely, it defined who I am and it has been a journey to make peace with that.
Nearly 10 years after her death we found out the rare cancer she died from was genetic, a number of tests and my twin brother and I were told we had the gene. Many appointments and tests continued over the years, with radiation to stop tumours growing and then in 2019 with the devastating diagnosis of cancer, the same as my mum, the same prognosis, treatable but not curable…
My first thoughts, my children, I do not want them to go through what I went through, losing a mother, I would not wish that on anyone. Then there is the injustice and the anger, the anger that despite countless tests and scans to keep an eye on things, scans were misread for 5 years. Could things of been different, I guess I will never know.
It has been a hard road, not least because this relationship with cancer is so much bigger than just me, it brings the pain and the hurt of my mum back and makes me lament the potential pain my children will go through.
But, God is good, He is steadfast, He meets us where we are at, He is gentle and shows the uttermost compassion. We talk of peace, it is only through the Prince of Peace that we can have and know true Peace. It is in my darkest moments that I have found that peace in Him. Real, unexplainable peace in the midst of such pain and turmoil.
It is a journey, a journey that I hope will last for years, a journey of looking upwards and inwards, to reconcile myself not just to God but to the hand that I have been dealt. To understand how God will use this and to be confident enough in Him to walk with Him in whatever He may have for me. To stop second guessing who I am.
And most of all to entrust my children into His care.
4 comments
Thank you Jennie for sharing your powerful and moving story. I very much admire your courage to reconcile to the ‘hand that you have been dealt’ and for grappling with the anger and injustice of your situation, to find true peace in God. Your words were very moving and inspiring.
Jennie, Thank you for sharing with courageous vulnerability. It really makes me think about the generations: our ancestors in us and in our children, how we ourselves are ancestors, being good ancestors, how we play our part in the generational story and what we pass on to our children.
This is such a beautiful and bold opening blog. Though I know many aspects of your story Jennie, reading this again offers new insight into your journey these past few years in particular and the wider impact that has on you in this ongoing relationship with your mum and now your own children. i really appreciate how open and vulnerable you’ve been here.
Jennie – thank you for your honesty and vulnerability in this opening blog post. It can’t be easy to write about your mum and your own journey with cancer in this way. It touched me when you said on Friday that you pray over your children that they may know the peace you have known through devotion and belief in God. Even when peace and that feeling of love is momentary, it carries us through. I wonder what practices, people, prayers help you to feel that peace? What practices might you pass on to your children or share with us perhaps on this journey we are on together?