For years, I did not realise I was not at peace with myself. What saved me and saves me again and again is an understanding that I am not one, I am many, and that I am not fixed, I am in flux. We are plural and we are changing. There are many plural selves within the universe of each of us and we change and can change.
I already am. Always was. And still have time to be.
A few years ago I applied to St Ethelburga’s mentoring programme in Spiritual Ecology to support me to turn a radio show and interviews into an online podcast called Sustenance Radio Show about activist burn-out. I found I was unable to go through fears about putting myself online, permanently and being seen and known in that form forever and by everyone and so I sat in my own way and was unable to make progress with my creative project, beating myself up and berating myself for not being able to complete something I really believed in and wanted to put out into the world in some way.
I asked for help, and at the same time as being accepted onto St Ethelburga’s Spiritual Ecology programme I approached a mentor, Amy Downing, and asked her to be my anchor through the project, to help me keep myself accountable and explore the blocks I was putting in my own way. In sessions she supported me to understand there are different parts of myself that are at war with one another, wanting to go in different directions with our one body, our ‘one precious life’, and unable to find a way forward. With her help I have learnt to have compassion and curiosity about the parts I am sometimes ashamed to show even to myself. There is my inner perfectionist who self-sabotages my dreams before I have even begun. There is the inner critic who berates me for not being pretty enough, radical enough, productive enough, peaceful enough. There is the one who wants to be wild and free – a selkie swimming in the deep blue sea – who is sometimes in conflict with the part of me who wants to put down roots, pick up responsibilities, be entangled and seen and known in community.
And so, slowly and painfully at first, I started writing letters to myself, explored what parts had to say in free-writing. I adopted the 12 step programme practice of making amends and found that the majority of amends I needed to make were to myself. Forgiving myself helps me see where I am afraid, helps me be accountable to my dreams and not get in my own way.
At times this process of self-reflection and compassion can be seen as naval-gazing, but for me it helps me get over myself, laugh at myself, see myself as a messy human among many others finding their way in our complex world.
Mostly these practices give me a sense of spiraling towards peace and a sort of inner reconciliation. Perhaps peace is a way of being, a pilgrimage or a point on the compass, rather than a permanent destination.
God is Change – Octavia E. Butler
Finally, I want to thank my teachers and name the inspiration I find in the work of Black Sci-Fi author Octavia E. Butler and her legacy in the writings of facilitator and orgainisor adrienne marie brown. Similarly, the work of Meg-John Barker on relationships has helped me to understand all people as plural and changing enables me to have patience, empathy as I come to believe that people can change and make mistakes.
6 comments
Bridget, thank you for this beautiful and deeply personal reflection. I’m often struck by how little attention aspiring peacemakers give to the work of interior repair. It’s through reflections like yours that I’m inspired anew to prioritize that work myself. As a Palestinian colleague says, “Unless I’m at peace within, I have no peace to give.” I do wonder if you’ve had a chance to read Lin Preiss’s piece? I imagine the two of you would have much to explore together. Lastly, thank you for your wondering: “Perhaps peace is a way of being, a pilgrimage or a point on the compass, rather than a permanent destination.” Perhaps it is as you suggest…what a gift to be on the road with you.
Bridget, this is such an inspiration for the blogging process. I’m not there yet as I have not yet streamlined all my ideas but this has provided me with a bit of calm and wisdom to get going.
Bridget, thank you for your vulnerability, you have opened a space for a depth of conversation that I am excited to have with you. i liked the idea of writing yourself letters and your honesty about how to begin with it was slow and painful, how is it now? Looking forward to getting to know you better.
Jennie, thanks for your comments. Honestly, I love writing letters to myself. And I love myself, in so many ways that like I started with, I didn’t realise that I didn’t, if that makes sense. There are still times when I feel pulled in different directions but at the core I feel loved, feel loving and am thankful for myself and what I bring to the world as much as I am grateful for others in my life.
I started writing letters on the full moons each month and sealed them with herbs and flowers and leaves and seeds of the season and then opened them again a year later, so I really began tending my relationship between my past and future selves as well as the different parts of me. Highly recommended! Do you have a similar practice? Would it be something you’d be interested in?
Hi Bridget, I don’t have a similar practice, but would be interested in developing one. I have at times done exercises where I write a letter to myself looking through what I think may be God’s lens. Let’s talk more in Somerset.
Thank you Bridget for holding up a mirror to me. I see reflected in your writing the parts of myself that I am not reconciled to yet. I will be coming back again and again to your post for further ‘pondering and inner work.