Last week, my husband and I celebrated 10 years of marriage. As we spent time re-watching our wedding video and reflecting on the past decade, I was reminded of a statement I made in my vows. I said, “I can’t imagine anyone better for me than you.” At the time, that sentiment was wrapped up in relishing our commonalities. I felt like we were on the same page about so many things. We fit well together because we held similar views and passions, and we almost never argued. There was harmony between us, and it was easy.
As time went by and life became more complex and mundane, we began to see the differences emerge. I’m a perpetual optimist. He recognizes the possible pitfalls in any situation. I love to be around people and fill my schedule. He has a lower threshold for social interaction. I carry my emotions right at the surface. He leads with logic.
At times, I thought these differences were liabilities. At times, we’ve felt stuck in the same disagreements, doing the same dance over and over again, causing friction as our fears, habits, and perspectives rub up against each other. But as I sit and reflect on 10 years of marriage, I realize that the differences were not liabilities. They were assets that we didn’t know we needed.
As we’ve learned to see one another more fully, appreciating the unique gifts of the other and holding the brokenness with gentleness and grace, we’ve each been transformed. We’ve helped each other become truer versions of ourselves. We’ve brought balance where there was disequilibrium. We’ve filled in where there were gaps. Where the differences once felt like cracks, we’ve allowed them to make each one of us more whole.
This is reconciliation – to allow the difference, the pain, and the brokenness to draw us into deeper communion rather than permitting it to push us apart. It doesn’t come easy. It takes work and intention. It requires us to lay down our lives for one another. It takes humility to recognize our faults and vulnerability to admit them. It requires grace to see the good in one another even when we’ve been hurt. Reconciliation comes at a cost as we give up our high ground, but the reward is so much sweeter and more satisfying as we meet each other in the middle and find we are each lifted up in the process.
Featured Image by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
6 comments
Hi Vanessa, what a beautiful post. Society would have us believe that humility and vulnerability are weaknesses. The insights you shared from the journey you and your husband have taken together, demonstrate the strength that humility and vulnerabilty infuse into a relationship – the melting influence of love!
Vanessa, thank you for this beautiful and honest post! I resonate with the realization that mature relationships often give us the opportunity to grow through conflict and difference and become more whole in the process. Relationships and community give us the platform to move closer to the fullness that God created us to be, I think we often miss this though because the conflict can feel like too much work to wade through!! Thanks for the reminder and real-life example of the beauty found in seeing differences as potential assets.
Vanessa. Thank you for the tenderness and poignance of this first reflection. Like you, my marriage is likely the most severe and gracious crucible for my transformation as a human being (first) and a peacemaker (second). The good news is that we’re both aware of that and have committed to ever pursuing fullness over happiness. I do wonder how your embrace of difference in the context of your marriage translates into your embrace of difference within your leadership?
That’s a great question, Jer. As I learn to see the differences as assets in my marriage, I’m compelled to take that same perspective into other relationships and contexts. Thinking specifically about my church context, we are in the midst of various conversations about differences in theological perspectives and seeking to view those differences not as threats or reasons for division but as assets that can help us all to wrestle with our faith and learn to love God and love others more fully. When I look out into the world and see so many areas of difference, whether that be culturally, theologically, or politically, I’m trying to sift through what each diverse perspective has to offer rather than simply writing off anything that I don’t agree with. That’s not to say that every perspective is good or healthy or true. Perspectives that dehumanize stand in opposition to truth. But there are many areas where difference can draw us into a fuller understanding of truth and can challenge us to step more fully into who we’ve been created to be.
Vanessa, i really appreciate when you say ‘I realize that the differences were not liabilities. They were assets that we didn’t know we needed.’ It challenges me to look at the differences in my life like this. Thank you.
It’s not easy or natural to see differences that way, but we learn as we go. Thanks for reading and engaging!